Off to Grandma ma's

Well I'm goin to Grandma's Christmas Eve and I must admit I'm kinda excited. I will also be seein my youngest bro and his family and I haven't seen them in like three years! I'll get to see my newest nephew too! I can't wait. I really miss my youngest bro...we had a bond and i'll be good to see him. His family too but I have a soft spot for him...well for both of them. Neways, I'm excited. I am NOT excited bout the plane ride...just hope I don't have screaming child on this one, but thank da Lawd for my IPod!!! Oh...HE called again this am...I'm loving it and yesterday too...Man I'm startin to really be interested in this man but like me and my friend says...GYH girl, GYH (pronounced gweeeh) Guard Your Heart. OOH Lawd, help me to GYH!!! Well, I'll holla when I get back because I am SURE Grandma is gonna talk my EAR off when I get there and I'll be too busy playn with my neice and nephews! Merry CHRISTmas and Happy New YEAR!!!!

I love ChristmasTime!!!

Another lesson learned...

Well, I am DONE with my Christmas shopping!!!! Now all I have to do is pack all that stuff and ship some of it!!! HA HA! Neway, I am sooo glad Im done cuz tryin to shop THIS week would be hell!!! I think i wanted to personally kill people with my own two bare hands yesterday. Waiting 5omillion hours for a parking space was "mounds o' fun" too. But I digress. In other news....God sure is still teaching me to rely on HIM cuz I learned yet again another reason why you don't spill your guts to someone who you THINK is your close friend. NO she didn't blab to anyone my business (cuz dem's cause for fighting...LOL) however she did judge me and consequently kicked me out of her wedding (0f course that's not the reason she told me i wasnt in it...of course not..)And to top it off she didnt even have the guts to tell me to my face that she didn't want me in her wedding, I had to text HER to get an answer. Needless to say it thoroughly P'O'd me off, not the fact that I'm not in the wedding, but that I had to find out through a dang text. What made it worse was she asked my BROTHER to be in the wedding! GRRRRRR! I thought I was her friend (close friend by her words) but I guess I don't meet up to her "standards of spiritually" anymore once I told her what I was struggling with. Goes to show you, you have to watch who you really "let it all hang out with" It's just Me and YOU God. I should have listened to YOU when I was talking to her that night. Something inside me was telling me to shut up (It was YOU) and I didn't listen...I have a problem with that...gotta work on it! OH and did i mention she had the nerve to ask me help with decorations and "lil" projects... what Im not good enough to stand up with you nemore but I can help with the decorations...NO thanks, I'll be too busy now...Well Im venting...just made me so mad. And No im not talkin to her about it cuz wouldn't make any dang bit of difference. God just told me to be quiet...AGAIN...Grrr! And I am not gonna let it spoil my mood..It's Christmas time.....just had to vent...Whew! Breathe...Breathe.....OK...IM good NOW......

A smack in the forehead...

I must say December is becoming an interesting month. Got another call from my friend today and again it was a nice surprise. Well he told me he would call but i didn't believe him but he wont know that will he???? LOL Neways...the "blahs" are passing. Seems like I always wanna write a poem or something when I get the blahs....gotta work on writing when Im Happy and no blahs in sight! I know God is there for me and what snapped me out of my blah phase this time is Psalms 139...the whole chapter.. It was like God was tellin me...Duh, KENYA, HELLLLOOOO Im HERE..you just forgot....I (meaning GOD) GOT THIS NOT YOU! Sometimes I just need a big smack in the forehead. So guess that means I found my keys....HE had them all the time!

MIssing Keys...

I lost my keys...

Not my car keys...

Not my house keys....

Not even my locker keys to the gym.....

These keys are even more precious and more valuable

I should have kept a better eye on them

Where are they...I haven't a clue

These Keys are priceless, HE knew..

I used them to lock up something and I shouldn't have so I REALLY need them

These keys actually belong to SOMEONE else.

So GOD, a little help here....

Because those keys are YOURS

and this is the hard part,

For those keys...

Were to my HEART...

It's CHRIMAS time!!!

I can NOT believe christmas is like almost here! I am going to Grandma's and I get to see my new baby nephew! Im excited! The "blah's" are almost gone...geez...it happens every month...there must some relation too that somewhere....Neways, I am also happy because I just got a really good, surprise phone call and It totally made my day! This day is going purty well so far! I did do some of my christmas shopping on Sat with mom too so Im not too far behind. That's all for now....Im keeping on, keeping on...(wow, is that an OLD sayin or what!!!)

Im not supposed to...

Im not suppose to Like you

Its too soon

Im not suppose to Like you

or think of you as a potential groom

Im not suppose to like you

you so far way

Im not suppose to like you

but these feelings wanna stay

HERE....in my HEART

and take root...

Shoot....I think I'm in trouble...

Guide me Lord, guard my Heart because

I suppose.....

I like you....

Sigghhhh

I'm in one of the blah moods...ya know the kinda moods where you're not sad, you're not happy either...just BLAH.

2 days ago....

Whatcha think???

Turkey DAy is upon ME...

I can NOT believe Thanksgiving is THIS week! WOW....Time is racing by! Before you know it, it'll be a new year again! Just got back from Ensenada, Mexico on Friday and i must say it was pretty awesome ( that soounds sooooo dorky...but i digress). It was my first time out of the country althought we just drove right across the border but STILL its another COUNTRY!!! And the minute we crossed, I could feel a different spirit there. I dont know how to explain it but it was just different. That country is sooooo poor. I mean we passed "houses" made of cardboard right on the side of the road. And where we stayed was at one of friends houses...the house was really nice but in contrast there were like trailors and run-down houses right next to it. But the house sits right on the beach and it was beautiful in the morning. Yet when walk in the front, nothing but dirt and gravel...like I said...mad contrast. The people there are soo needy. The night we got there we went straight to a taco place (heaven help my stomach) I only ate the steak. But there was a kid there (11yrs old) the was not in school but WORKING to support his FAMILy. I mean that's crazy. We took him home (after givin him a backpack full of stuff) and it was like 10 miles away...Takes him 2HRS just to walk to the city!!! And he was so grateful that we gave him that stuff. The kids in the states would whine that they didn't get the right color PENCIL! So it was pretty good to see that. The next day we went to an orphanage and that's where I passed out homemade first aid kits (I made them...thank you very much) to the orphanage. There were about 85 kids there and they were soo grateful that we came. We put on a mini-show and then proceeded to dance with them. They actually knew the electric slide!!! I was trying my darndest to speak spanish to them but I guess getting that "A" in Spanish II back in HS meant NOTHING! I couldnt even remember how to say "look" in spanish I was so self-concious. (It's "meda" btw...) It was a good experience tho and I loved being with the kids. We gave them backpacks too so they were ecsatic. This just the first of many I will be doing and I am soo excited what God has in store for me. I do think I will be focusing on more doing some work within the States because there are just as many kids who need love and help here as well as in Mexico. Hopefully, God will send me out from there but i'm gonna start right here. Now I gotta just get to Georgia......

Well October is almost over and I must say this month is my LEAST favorite month out the whole year. For some oddball reason, October is the month of screwups...Things tend to go wrong and people seem more grouchy than usual. I can NOT wait till October is over but I digress..Harvest at church is coming up and honestly, Im not that all excited about this year. Maybe it's because I think my season for being at my church is almost over. In fact, being here in Cali is almost over. God is moving me somewhere else...I did alot of growing here but now it's time to move on and OUT of Cali. Most of my family is on the East Coast and that's where really my heart is. So Georgia has begun to call my name...Now if I can just get the money together....

Wishing...

I feel like CRAP today. Total CRaP. Crap on stick to be exact. My blood pressure's been out of whack the last couple of days and I still trying to get it back to normal (well normal for me)

*****BIG SIGH********


These are the days I wish I had someone to go home to.

Today I wish...

I wasn't single...

I had someone who could take care of me.

Someone to make me smile

Someone to Hold me

Someone to make me feel better

Someone whose lap I could lay in

Someone who would hold my hand and tell me I'm loved..


God I know You're there...but today...

I wish I wasn't alone...

Typical day at work....

Sending Letter for Follow-up Appointment...........49cents


Showing up for Appt 1hr late......................100 dollars


Checking pacemaker....................................60dollars (with medicare!) 100dollars without


Schedualing next appointment with the patient and have his TEETH fall out his mouth midsentence................PRICELESS



GOD......I LOVE MY JOB

What!!! September already???

Ok, Ok...where in the heezy did August go???? And the funny thing nothing much happened that month either, maybe that's why I didn't write. My new job is the bomb altho the pay could be slightly better but the stress level is almost non-existent. There's a few drama queens there but what job doesnt have that? Anyway I did get a new nephew last month (my bro will kill me if I don't mention it..he actually READS this) His name is Terry but we call him Tank because the boy weighed a whopping 9 LBS when he decided to grace us with his presence. He's so cute too and looks alot like my bro. I will be seeing all of them for christmas when I go see my grandma in SC. As far as the rest of August...nothing much else. Now we're in September, I swear this year is flying by. Well, we just had the women's retreat in Palm Springs and at first I wasn't gonna go because there was and still is some major drama going on the church. I'll just leave it at that, no need to go into it. Annnnyway, I was praying about going and wouldn't ya know it God gave me a praise dance and I showed it to the pastor's wife...Well guess who ended up doing it at the retreat??? I had my friend record it but Im too embarrassed to post it cuz I think I look silly but it was for God's glory so whatever. Alot of the women there said it touched their heart so that's what really counts. It was Crazy HOT there but the hotel we stayed was nice. I stayed with two of my close friends and we had a blast. Oh September was a purty busy month in that my other bro b-day was this month. For his Birthday me and mom took him to the Angel City Classic in LA. It is a football game plus the battle of the marching bands! We were also gonna go see the drumline competition but dang it...we were stuck in traffic for like an hour! But the band competition was awesome (i'll try to post that but aint makin no promises). I know one thing, I was glad to be around "my peeps" for once. I mean sometimes being the only chocolate chip in a sea of milk or cocoa can be trying! Im glad I wasn't the only one for once! Soooo September is becomin a pretty much busy month. This weekend is a baby shower for my one of my friends and NEXT weekend well be having another "purity rally" for the youth at church. Yeah, we're doing some type of "true love waits" series with the teens but we call it "whatcha waitn for" They really like it. We're gonna have a graduation and presentation of purity rings and everything. Lord knows what the following weekend will bring... I know October is right around the corner..that means Harvest at church and start saving to go to SC. Geessh...and beat goes on...

Summer....Summer....Summertime...

Well Just got back from NY and all I can say that is was CRAZY HOT! The first three, no make that four days was sweltering! It was like a heatwave! I felt like I was melting! I think I sweated off like 10 pounds, it was so hot (in my dreams tho) Anyway I went to see my Godsis get married. Ah yes ANOTHER wedding. Yup she got married on 7/7/07. Seems like everyone got married on that day. I have pics and I will post some soon. The wedding was beautiful. She rented a ROLLS to drive away in and the reception was pretty cool too. Although I must say some of her "guests" must have thought this was club nite instead. I have never seen so much cleavage and hoohieness in my life! Me and mom were cracking up! I mean some of these chicks...what they were wearing.....put it this way....my godsis should have reserved more tables to accommadate all the boobs that were makin their appearance! And then the wedding planner (she was family) was evil!!! LOL I mean we walked into the reception hall and she made us all go BACK out to the foyer! There was no seat assignment but she wanted to make sure there were no freeloaders coming to the wedding (another one was goin on next door) so this thing did a head and name count. She was like the Gestapo! Other than that, it was cool. The DJ played pretty cool music ( except for that "Ima Flirt" song...of course EVERY LAST one of the hoochie crew sang that song...but I digress) And you know they played the electric slide...that's like a given at a wedding, especially at a black wedding! Ha ha! But all in all it was good.

The rest of my trip was great too. I got to see my uncle in Staten Island and I did alot of shopping. Me and mom stayed with my Aunt in Brooklyn and we visited my cuz and her new baby (whose name happens to BE Brooklyn) She is adorable. Sat was my mom's b-day so we took her to IHOP and it was ridiculously crowded there but we had a good time. Then we went to Downtown Brooklyn near my old neighborhood and shopped some more. Man I have never walked so much in my life. And I have decided to loose weight (yet again). And its all because of the walking. Let me explain without embarrassing myself too much.....

You see in NY, especially in Brooklyn or the city, you really don't need a car. You have the train, the bus or most commonly...your FEET. They drive like maniacs there (not much different than Cali but that's another subject) so you much rather walk. So that's what we did. My Aunt walks practically everywhere...to the hairstore, to Rite AId, to laundry...I mean EVERYWHERE. So I tagged along. I called her SpeedRacer because she walks so durn fast! Now my moms b-day was on Saturday and we went shopping..or course walking everywhere. Sidenote: New York is the greatest place to shop. Clothes. Shoes. Purses. EVERYTHING. Back to the story: I wore a skirt that day and some flip flops...really cute outfit..but Im getting off the subject... So we were out ALL day and by the time we got home it was like 4pm. My Aunt decided she wanted to get her hair retouched so off we went(just me and her, MOM was smart and stayed back) So we Walked to Flatbush Ave (bout 5blocks) to her hairdresser. While I waited I wanted to get some souviners ( thats spelled wrong, I know) I couldnt find exactly what I wanted to, so I walked 2 more blocks down to find what I wanted. To make a long story short, I walked up and down flatbush ave for like an hour. I did find what I was lookin for tho. Anyway by the time my Aunt was done with her hair and we got back (5 blocks back) It was like 10pm. Thats when I noticed my inner thighs were killing me, especially when I walked. Soooo I went into the bathroom...and saw....redness. Hmmm, we can all guess as to why there was redness...The word "Thunderthighs" instantaneously came to my mind. So now I have to go on Jenny Craig.

For the most part it was great. The plane ride back sucked because of a 2yr old who decided to test his lungs for the entire 5hr trip back. I almost wanted to get him some O2 because the kid screamed NON STOP. Thank God for my ipod!

AHHHH the joys of summer.......

Transformers.....

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE....



NUFF SAID......

A connection...

So what can I say about this weekend??? It was great!!! The sleepover with the girls was really good. We had about 7 of them over and we played games and had a little bible study and then watched a movie. (A Walk to Remember) It was a sappy chick flick of a movie that I can't stand watching but I sucked it up and watched it. It was good but I can't stand movies where you know the person is gonna die in the end...but I digress. Anyway the whole thing was good. The next day we went to the youth conference where they had this whole "Esther " theme for the girls. There were booths for them to go to to get their nails, hair and make-up done. The boys were outside having b-ball tournys and football tournys. They also had music and preaching in between all of this. The best part was the last service, the girls really got touched. I think they are beginning to really realize that HE is real. And I think I made a connection with some of the girls too. So it was really cool. I can't wait to see what God has in store for them (and me for that matter....)

Turning point....

I think most of you who read this know without a doubt that I am a christian. I not only say it but I live (or at least try to) it. And God has been showing me soooo much. Things I need to deal with and things He wants me to do for Him. I don't know if I mentioned that I help out with the youth at my church (well I do) and this Sunday was awesome. My bro is the youth pastor and today's service was amazing. You see I have noticed a change in the youth since my bro has been challenging them to step up but the interesting part is that the change was within the boys not the girls. Its weird because it's usually the other way around. However, today, was different. My bro's message today was letting God hear you and You hearing from God. Kinda like getting the spiritual "wax" out of your ears. And it seems to be starting to sink in with the girls. I mean these girls are stubborn, not answering questions, just sitting there and not havin any opinion on anything. But when my bro open up the altar and we started praying for the kids, I noticed some of the girls starting to open up. I was led by the Lord to pray for one in particular to pray for and she just broke. I mean she really let go. I was glad that God could use me for that. Now this weekend we are supposed to be havin a "sleepover" for all the girls and me and my friend are really gonna put it to them (spiritually that is) Its time for those girls to step up and I think today was a turning point for them. Although I know that teens are as fickle as they come I think God is starting something in them. We'll see....

Birthday Adventures...

So its now Sunday and my birthday is over... But I had a great time! Matter fact it was a purty darn good birthday! Friday we didn't get to go rollerskatin because of all the secular music that would have been playing and then I was thinkin...fri nite + secular music+ hormonal teenagers everywhere= ME being mad annoyed and wanting to send every last one of them to the moon. So to avoid that, we decided to go bowling...welll, that didn't work out too good. Because when we got there it was like SENIOR NITE. I mean I think I saw every old person in Anaheim there. Friday nite at the bowling alley is supposed to be hip and cool and have the lights off and music but when we walked in...jeez! Construction, NO music and OLD people. My friends and I took one look and made an about face. And between all of this, one of my friends that I had met online and been talkin with for like 3yrs was FINALLY gonna meet up with us. He was taking the train..(note to self: Amtrack sucks) and he was late (trains fault) So now we were heading off to El Toritos to get something to eat while we waited. To make a really long story short, we ended up at the Bloc (again), tried to get into Dave and Busters...couldn't, (one of my girls was only 20, gotta be 21 after 10pm) Then i found out we could have got in because she was with people over 21!!!! GRRRR! So we ended up walkn around the block. And to top it off, my friend STILL wasn't there...dumb amtrack! By now it was like 1100pm and the Bloc was closing, then he called..he was at the train station. Off we went to pick him up and we finally alll settled at Denny's and chilled, laughed and had a great time. I am supposed to hook up with him tomorrow for a movie because after that only Lord knows when I'll see him again. All in All it was a great birthday and oh, today my pastor and his wife took me out to eat too ( forgot about that) God is good and He's only getting better! Read my next blog!

Birthday plans...

Well my birthday is on Saturday and I have the entire weekend off. I wish I had more mulah to chill with but it's cool. I know Im going rollerskatin with some friends on fri. but I don't know what the heck im doing the rest of the weekend. That should be fun...providing I don't break my neck trying to skate!!! Anyway I'll blog more later about it when it's all over...

Day Six and Seven....Hard lessons to Learn

Well I am combining these last two days yet again because I have been under the weather for a couple of days.. Yet in those days I learned a painful lesson when it comes to worshipping without music. These past 7 days, give or take a 2 or 3, have shown me be a lot. And on Day six, it was like a recap of what I have been discovering. You know, everything happened that day demonstrate how to worship without music. Like worshiping when you don't feel like it...(that was at work where i wanted to roll some heads down a bowling alley and hit ALL seven pins) Or just talking about Him. I was discussing Him to an unsaved co-worker a couple hours later! And then on top of that I was sick ( headache from the pit of hell!) So day six was like "review" LOL God sure is funny.

But the biggest lesson was yet to come...

Day SEVEN...

Now this happened actually yesterday. Without going into major detail, I have a friend and I like to consider this person a really good friend. And this person said something that offended me and I didn't know how to tell this person how it made me feel. But MY FATHER prompted me to talk with them and I was planning on to but low and behold they called ME. Soooo I proceeded to tell them how I felt....IT Did NOT go over well at all. Needless to say, I am afraid we are not friends any longer. And it stings...alot. I will truly miss this person's company but I was being honest and the Word says when you have something against a fellow brother that you should go to him and that's what I did.

So why do I feel like crap???


I didn't do anything wrong, matter-fact I did what I was supposed to do according to the Word. Its only been ONE day and there was a function tonight for someone at a our church and that person was there. Talk about complete ICE...no hi, no hug, no nothing. It was like complete cut-off. And I felt terrible. However on the drive home, the Lord showed me something....He said "NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FELT IN THE GARDEN AND YET I STILL GAVE MY FATHER HIS WILL OVER MINE. " I almost drove the car off the road. I know I did right and yet I still felt like the one who was accused but my Father showed me different. I gave up my will in order to fulfill HIS. No matter what it cost me. Because in my own self it would have be mad ugly....There would have be a confrontation, some nasty words...maybe a fist....but I digress. Anyway, This hard lesson has showed me the true meaning of worshipping without music, and the bottom line is giving up your will for His...in every single area of your life. Its a hard lesson but I am still a willing student. So God...do a I get an "A" on this one??? LOL

Day Four and Five...

Well I have to combined Day four and five because I was soooo tired last nite I could NOT get on here to write!! Well yesterday I worked alll day and the unit was really busy. It was kinda hard to really concentrate on worshipping God when you're trying to work. Especially when you're dealing with people who act like they can't do anything for themselves. But I think that's the point...putting God first even when you're mad busy. And to keep your mind on HIM even when you really wanna cuss! I had to check myself at some point! So that was challenging yesterday but it was pretty cool. I still set the example. Today I met with Jen and we talked about what God has for me. And like I said a couple days ago, worshipping God is also talking about Him and with Him. And that's what I did today with Jen. It was cool. I think that's what it all about..this worshipping without music. Always being mindful of Him and never keeping Him off your mind. That way you draw closer and closer to Him. These past 5 days,(well more than that) has been a learning experience and it doesnt stop there. I actually have two more days to go but it's gonna continue after that. I am more aware now. God is amazing!!!!!!!!!

Day Three..........

Well today was Sunday and of course the worship with music was great. However it was the women's picnic and bbq afterward where worshippin my Father was great. We all had a good time and the fellowship was awesome. I think that's another part of worshipping the Father...having fellowship and spending time with other christians. You know the bible verse...forsake not the assembling of yourselves...and I don't think God just meant in church. We worship Him when we honor and obey the bible and that one verse we have a hard time obeying. In this society today, there's like an "isolation" idea going on. Its like stemming from the ME generation that started back when I was a teen. Many people, especially women stay to themselves and dont reach out or try to get to know others, particularly other women. Maybe its because of past hurts and gossip that could possibly happen but never the less we as christians should be above that. I, myself, have been guilty of this attitude also. However, today I really had a good time. I stepped outside of myself and fellowshipped with the women. I forgot all about what happened in the past and didn't think about if there would be "gossiping" going on (none of that happened btw...) We just had fun. We actually "played" jumprope! I think I was worshipping God just by being there and chillin with the women. I liked it...

Day Two...

Okay, Okay I know I skipped like two days but last night I worked a double and all I did today was sleep half the day away. I know Im slightly touched in the head for working 24hrs straight but sista needed the money!!! LOL! Later tonight tho I did just chill with some of my girls at the Bloc. And we just basically had a good time together. You know its really kind of interesting to keep your mind on tryin to think about worshipping God without actually be in service but I think Im doing it. Like today when I was hangin out, we mainly talked about things of God and where He is taking each of us and how He is working in our lives. I think that's apart of worshipping Him. Our thoughts and prayers are always on Him or never far from Him. Being actually really conscious about it has heightened my sense of how I talk or act too. Even at work. What Im learning is the worshipping Him is an everyday act, and it should get to the point where it's not even so much of an "effort" or conscious thought. It should become automatic. So today was a good day. This worshippin without music is really cool....

Day One....

Day one...hmmm..lets see. Worshiping my Father is pretty easy when you think about it. Today I did it all day...While I was painting, (yes, i was painting a door) I was meditating and thinking about Him. God is showing me alot these days and I am trying to receive it all. Its rough I tell you one thing tho! Last week I was in the ER with Hypertension...medical term term for high blood pressue. My boss made me go to the ER! Ugh it was annoying. I also have headaches which usually only last for 3days but lately I have been having a constant dull ache and a pressure. I think its just because I have been so busy or maybe the fact that i constantly forget to take my bp meds.....hmmm. I feel a little better although tonight i had a constant headache during church. However, i worshipped anyway. I think that's what it's all about...worshiping even when you feel like complete crap. That's part of worshipping without music because when you're sick and your head feels like it's in a visegrip and you still praise God anyway it becomes something sweeter. I mean after service I had a good talk with one of my friends and she said she noticed a change in me and that was cool. Well on to day two...

7 Days of Worship

So I was at bible study last nite and we were talking about worshipping without music. Most people think that worshipping God is just going to church and singing a bunch of slow songs but its more than that. Worshipping encompasses alot more. Its not just singing some songs, it comes from the heart even when there is no music. Worship is when you don't even feel like singin but yet you still give HIM glory. You can worship in all different kinds of ways. So for the next 7days I will be recording what different ways I have worship my Father..without singing a single note.....

Yeah!!!! Its JUNE! I can't believe it! My birthday is this month. Man, time is going so fast. I wanna do something for my birthday but I haven't a clue what. My friend is supposed to be taking me out but I don't know if we are. Anyway, this month is gonna be somewhat crazy...well not really but anyhow I can't wait to see what God has in store for me. I cant wait to start my new job, it's gonna be so challenging for me! Whoo-Hoo! I'll still be on as per diem at the hospital(dont' wanna burn that bridge just yet) so its cool. I don't start until after I come back from my lil godsister's wedding so it's all good. God is showin me so much about myself and that's cool too. Not discipling anymore but I think its for the best. Well that's about it for now.

New hair-do..now new job

Well I gotta a new job! As of July 15th, I will be working in the Pacemaker clinic at Saddleback. No more working weekends!! And my holidays?....whoo hoo! O-F-F!!! I am so blessed! I can't wait. I am also going to NY in the beginning of July for my godsisters wedding. Yeah she's getting married too! Anyway just thought I post that little bit of news!

Forgotten Friend

So Im sitting at work as I often am when Im blogging, and wondering about a friend of mine. Well at least I still consider this person MY friend. I wonder about this person alot and I pray for them often. I texted this person too but never receive an answer.

I wonder...

Has my number been lost...on purpose?

Sure this person might be busy, but I can't help to think I have become one of those "forgotten friends." You know the people that you meet and have a brief time with for convenience and then when it's done, you never hear from again. Hmmmm...seems like it. This person was someone who I had met and made a real impact on my life. I learned alot about myself and about them too. But somehow, I got "lost". It went from talkin everyday to talking NO day. All I wanted was to be a friend. I knew this person was facing challenges in recent months and I wish I could have been there. It's frustrating. I never wanted to be a "seasonal" friend and eventually to be forgotten. It hurts. But...I guess it's one of life's little glitches that I have to deal with.

***SIGH***

MBR.....All I can say is that I miss you.......alot.

Maybe one day you will miss me too...

NEW HAIR-DO.....

what do you think???

I like it.......

Girls nite out..

This past Sat was Cinco De Mayo. This really means nothing to me but I just thought I mention it. The fact of the matter is that there were a grip of people out that night! Funny thing is that I got my hair done that day and people were asking me if I got it done for Cinco De Mayo. I'm not even Mexican and look no where NEAR mexican. I think that day is just an excuse to party. Anyway, I called my girl up and we hadn't had (is that right english?) a nite out in a long time so we decided to go hang out. We ended up at the Bloc at a place called KOJI's. It was my first time there and it's a cool restaurant. It's kinda like a sushi bar and cookout place in one..in a club atmosphere. It was cool. The food was good too. The most interesting part was.....the waiter. Let's just say he was really easy on the eyes....REALLY EASY. My girl kept teasing me. Needless to say I did give him a compliment and he turned around and invited us to hang out with him and his boy! (He was no slouch either!) Needless to say I wanted to go...Needless to say We DID! Went to Huntingbeach and chilled with them for a while. Where, you say....hmm that's privileged info! Anyway it was coool. We had to bounce after about an hour anyway cuz I had to work the next day! I had fun. He called me to make sure I got home safe...sweet. He seems cool. I am definately going back to that restaurant!!! I had alot of fun..Nice girls nite!

What????!!! May already???

Well it's MAY now..geez, times is flyin! April was another busy month! We are gettin settled in the house and Im decorating my room (with Mom's help of course) I am so excited. I bought a whole new comforter set and curtains and rug. Im still not finished but a sista's gotta be on a budget. School is cool too, not doing the respiratory thing though. Im doing Vet tech which is really my passion. Its at my own pace and I like it. Not too much drama in my life right now which is great. God is good. Im studying Romans, well RE-studying Romans! I think it's better the second time around...never really got thru the first time! Ha! Anyway,it's cool. God is really funny sometimes..Lately most of my close friends have been havin "man" problems and for some strange reason they are all coming to me about it. ME? ME? Are you sure u wanna talk t o me about MAN problems????? I don't even have a man!!! LOL And the interestin thing is that each situation is Totally different. Totally. I think God is trying to show what NOT to do in a relationship. And now that im not stressing about it anymore it's cool. I do have to admit that miss talkin to that "someone" but I talk to God alot more now that it's not my focus. I am just glad that He has allowed me to be in my friends lives so I can talk to them. Anyway, that's the update for now...Gotta blog more now that my time is coming back to me! What a crazy couple of months!!!


oh almost forgot!!! I DID send a postcard ( got up the nerve).....still haven't gotten a response...it's cool tho. Im not waiting for one...hee hee...

To write or not to write...

Wow, april is here! And...drumroll please...I have finally Moved into the house! Yes yes, my stuff is in my room. Altho its small as all get out, Im there! Now all i have to move in is my mom and brother! But Im DONE! I have been slackin on here but dang March was busy! Life has been pretty interestin tho. For starters, I found the addy to my first love. Oh Yes. I was tinkerin on the net as I often do when Im bored out of my brain at work and decided to go on people search. I do that alot...I put my name in there just to see how much info they got on me. And sure enough when I put his name in there..BAM...name address AND phone number popped up. My heart skipped about 5beats! This man touched me in a way I can't describe but somehow my FATHER didnt allow it. (maybe because i was waaaay screwed up back then) Now the dilema is to whether get back in touch. Frankly im a chicken. I am scared of what I'm gonna find or not find. My mom just told me to send a postcard sayin "hi what's up" I don't know. Any suggestions would be great from blogworld. I mean, this man knew me, really KNEW me. He was the ONLY guy my mom ever really liked. Anyway, I'm just trippin that after all this time I finally got an address. I have always wondered about him.

Another thing...my Father has been workin on me too. Been going through discipleship classes and needless to say things have been broken off my life. He's been showing me so much lately. I have this desire for the youth now, especially the girls. The Lock-in we had about a week ago was great. The holy spirit moved on those kids like i haven't seen in a while.

My job...hmmm...that's another story. They cut our hours..for one thing but I think it's all in my Father's timin because I just interviewed for another job on Monday and I think I got it. It'll be workin in the field I graduated in and I get to get off at 5pm everyday and NO holidays OR weekends! I hope I get it! So now everybody is up to date. I know I dont get alot of readers (tho a comment or two would be nice) but I am glad I write.

Whew...my life is just beginning it seems....

what a month!

Been reallly busy lately. Talk about MARCH MADNESS! Still haven't moved fully yet but it's gettin closer. Been workin lots of doubles lately but Im good. Car's still great and My Father is teaching me ALOT. Workin with the youth at the church. Had a LOCK-IN. Had not laughed that hard in a long time. I'll post pics as soon as i get some! Started school again. Not hard...YET. When im settled....I'll write more...

Sadness.........

Just found out a close friend of my brother's was stabbed to death in Hollywood on Sat...Knew him well...loved him too...will miss him.

R.I.P. MIKE

Hope you found ur way back to God in your last moments...

5am popcorn.

Its 530am and Im eating popcorn.


Why is the last hour and a half always drags on??? So to make the time go by, I stuff my face.
"Good" solution since Im tryin to lose weight. But this is not why I decided to write again before I get off and go home to my wonderful bed and go into a coma-like state of sleep.

so much to look forward to huh?

Anyway, this whole night has been uneventful, which is pretty good when you work in ICU. You don't really want "events" happening in ICU. You just want ur patients to get better as the meds and pumps and iv's work to heal they're ailing bodies. So with an uneventful night, it left me to think about things to avoid hitting my head on keyboard from lack of sleep.

Friends...that's what i thought about.

The ones that I truely cherish, the ones I still have, the ones I have lost and ones I want to get close to. In my short lifetime I have made lots of friends but there are some that I still keep and wanna keep close to my heart. And there are some I have lost that I wish I could regain. For the past 24hrs I have gone thru all the names that have crossed my path that have made a difference and an impact in my life whether good or bad.

And wish I could thank you.

for everything...


KAM-You believed in me and accepted me even when I was messed up. You were instrumental in helpin me begin on the path of coming back to Christ. I am forever grateful.

MO-I love you like a sister and thank you for showing me what a Real Friend is.

JAS- I pray for you constantly and hope one day you come back to Christ. Thank you for showing me that you can still be strong even in your weakest moments.

DH-You once showed me a glimpse of what true love can be and then you showed me heartache. Thanks to you, I now know the difference.

DW-You were the example of what NOT to do in a relationship. What to run from when you see it.

KK-There are so many times I wonder what you're doing. We were tight during Youth group days and I think of you often. You showed me loyality and how you're supposed to be a friend no matter what. Maybe one day we can renew the "pact" we had in high school. (I still have that little note we wrote each other "sealing the deal")

FC-Girl we STILL talk...you showed me friendship and love can go a long way and distance doesnt have to be a factor.

DD-I pray for you alot. Hope one day we can be friends again. I miss our many convo's and your laughter. I know God was dealing with your Heart and breaking it, Hope HE still is. You taught me that New beginnings can be hard but they are necessary for growth.

RY- You are one of the two that I've met online that I have remained friends with. Has it been 5 yrs goin on 6??? Even though you "deserted" me and ran off and got married and MOVED to foreign country! Yes we still talk online and I miss you very much. Thanks for always havin that ear to listen and lettin me see a that a man can cry and still be a man.

SK-Man we have been through so much together and we are STILL friends. You're 3,000 miles away and yet you were still thoughtful enough to send me a Valentine Day text. I pray for you and hope that you find salvation. Thanks for showin me that even though you can have everything, without God it's nothing. I pray one day that YOU learn that.

EP-I have only known you for a short time but I learned alot from you. Your frankness and honesty is breath of fresh air. I wanna know you more and I pray for you everyday. Thank you for being you and never waverin in your stance.

VS-The things we share and have shared are sacred and I treasure our friendship. Your compassion for people is so big and I am glad to call you friend...no SISTER.

JESUS CHRIST-You, by far are my best friend. YOU are constantly teaching me and showing me things about me and what You have in store for me. I love You with all my heart. Thank YOU for Your amazing grace and sacrifice for me.

So as my shift ends in 45min (thank the LORD) know that these words are coming from my heart and are deep rooted into my soul.

I love you all...

Just thinking thoughts....

Hello, my name is Stupidity and I am working 24 hours STRAIGHT.

Yes , yes I am still at my job on the account I decided to say OKAY to working a double shift. 24hours..long time. Im cool now but i know around 3am my body will have officially stopped talking to me and I am gonna have to down like 10gallons of coffee and soda just to stay awake.

But I get paid mad overtime...hmmm...maybe I can brave this.

As I sit here at my desk wishing for my bed right now, I am thinking of this journey I talked about in my last blog. God sure is funny sometimes. The journey I thought I was about to take is not the one Im on. I mean this one is far better. I am learnin alot..about myself. I am actually excited about it. What better journey to be on than to be on one with God? Having Him teach you about yourself. The "hated" holiday just passed and I am learning that I don't have to hate it. Matter of Fact I am beginning to actually like it...yes even in this short amount of time. And its because of HIM. HE is teaching me to love and it is really..how do you say..off the chain! I can't wait to see what lies around the corner.

In other events, still haven't moved in the other house yet..and that's not only drivin me crazy but also my mom. She and my brother are goin to move in with me but we have to wait till the other people to get out. I have notion to rent them a truck and say "here ya go..handle it." But I digress. I know it'll all work out but dang...can a sista get a break?? LOL

Man I just realized I have been working for 15hrs straight now...only NINE hours to go!

Life is becoming pretty interesting lately. I may be embarking on a journey that I never thought I'd take. All I can say is the God is funny sometimes. So here I go, headed into the unknown, guided by my Father.

My Enemy

I just discovered who my enemy is..well besides the obvious one. IT lurks around every corner and tries to ambush me. And with the Hated Holiday coming up, It seems like it's bringing friends to fight with me. See, the last 4 days I have been sick, I mean really sick. The kind of "can't get out of bed cuz I have 101 fever sick" And It was right there, taunting me. BUT I know who is in my corner....my DAD. HE was there to help me fight It. I am not gonna let IT get the best of me although I want to give up sometimes. I know my Dad won't let me. Shoot, I won't LET ME. This is a battle that I have to win, without anyone's help except my Father. I am not gonna let IT win. I know who you are now and be afraid...be very afraid...

cherries...

Who came up with the saying "Life is a bowl of cherries"? What the heck does that mean anyway? I don't even like cherries! The way my life is going right now is mixture of rotten and ripe ones. I'm just pickin out the rotten ones now. Maybe then it'll be sweet.

Only Fools....

Only Fools follow gold

Only wise man know

I'm no fool

YOU'VE changed my point of view

To be kind is a quality

That I richly desire

It is better

To be poor

Than a lier



I no longer see


Things controlling me


YOU have spoken, I have listened


Only fools believe


In only what they see


Wise are rich indeed

Crystal Lewis

A night of revelation....

Tonight was a great nite. I just came back (its 3:00am btw) from a gospel concert hosted by a choir that a friend of mine is in. The ministry was totally awesome and you could tell God was there. However that wasn't the great part. God showed me something AFTER everything was over. And it was through a friend of mine who went with me. I'll call her K. Now K and I are pretty good friends and lately we have to been hanging out. She was the one who invited me to this concert. We both know the person but she was the one who let me know that he was in the concert. Anyway, I was taking her home when we got to talking about the concert and him and how God is sooo awesome. Well she got to telling me how she is so in LOVE with God and the she is just content. And that's when it happened...right after she said that, I didn't hear too much of nothing else because GOD begain talking to ME. He actually asked me how could I want someone to Love me and receive me when i didn't Love or receive HIM. That blew me away...I got choked up about it. He was right...did I really love God the way i said I did? And to be honest, I had to answer no..and that stung. I never really realized that. I have to FALL IN LOVE with HIM. When you've fallen in with love someone..you know them, you are around them, you talk to them, you're with them...You KNOW them. I don't know my God like I should so how can I truely be in Love with Him. I gotta get to know Him, I gotta fall in love with Him. My life has got to change and the only way its gonna change is to truely Love God and Christ cuz my life does depend on it. I will never know real Love like the Love of my savior and I have to Love Him Like NO OTHER. I want to know HIS love even if its the only LOvE i will have. It shouldnt matter. His Love is the ONLY thing that matters. All of this came to me while me and K where sitting in the car. God has been trying to get this through to me and I wasnt paying attention but now I am. MBR would proud because I know God is using him to help me see too. But tonight it was just God and me. You're probably thinking then how was this a great nite? Well because I know now what's been goin on. I think all the stuff that has happened to me in the last month and half has led up to this revelation. I know my mission. Now what do next? Put what I'm saying into action. No more talking..tired of talking, it's time to get to work...and start falling in love with My one and only...Jesus Christ

Finally a light...

I am beginning to be able to breathe again...

Just a thought...pt 2.

Nobody panic about that last blog...its just a thought. Sometimes I do wanna just forget about hard this life is and go on to be with my Father in heaven. BUT I have no intentions of doing that. 1. Its very selfish 2. All that does is bring pain to those left behind. Now if my Father chooses to take me then I'm Not gonna argue! LOL Today is a little better than yesterday but it's still a struggle. Last night was tough and I did cry out to my Dad and I know I felt His presence. The tide is slow....REAL slow in ebbing but it's ebbing.

Just a thought......

If I could leave this world without causing anyone pain..........I would.

Growing Pains....

I wish you hadn't let go of my hand so quickly...

I wasn't ready...

I feel so lost...

But I have to be strong...

I know I'm growing, gets a lil easier everyday.

Yet still.....

I cant let you know Im hurting....

So with my Father's Help, I will bury the pain, push on through...

and one day...forget all about the feelings I have for you


and




Just







BE







Your













Friend..............from a distance

The ever-approaching Tsunami....

What in the Hell is wrong with me today????
Something is REALLY bugging me and I can't for the life of me, figure out what.
This is like my 5th blog today! Maybe its a comglomerate of things.
I don't know. All I do know is that Im in PAIN.
Not just emotional pain...physical too.

EVERY DAMN THING HURTS.

Right down to my boobs! And it all rushing at me at an alarming rate. I need my Healer. What is REALLY goin on here? I wish I could talk to someone, well a part of me does, all i really want right now is to feel better. My emotions are soooo conniving! What I feel half the time is not what's reality, which in turn make it far, far worse. This month is kicking my iz-nazz!!! Today especially. I guess God is trying to knock me senseless cuz all my other resources are depleted. I depended on someone to help me thru this and now that's gone too. I feel like a phone bill that hasnt been paid...disconnected. Im just going thru the motions. I have GOT to get over this. This 20ft tidal wave is about to hit my shores and i need a dam! Just when i thought i was getting thru it...BAM! A cotton-pickin TSUNAMI is in the forecast. What a riot! Almost makes me laugh. But i guess God is teaching me that HE IS MY DAM. It still hurts like alll get out. Still I wish...oh nevermind...Jesus, I know with YOUR help I'll get through....(hopefully not too beat up)

Funny...

Funny how....

You think you're over something and You're NOT


Funny how...

The heart deceives the mind....


Funny how...

I want to be everything to someone instead of nothing to no one...


Funny how....

Action speak louder than words and there STILL is no trust...


Funny how....

Hypocrisy can come in all forms, shapes and sizes but can still hide...


Funny how....

There is a such thing as being sincerely WRONG...



Funny how...

Talking it out can be a REALLY BAD thing......


Funny how....

Starting to Like someone is WAY EASIER than stopping.....


Funny how...

The more people understand YOU, the quicker they pull away....


Funny how....

Hmm...maybe its not so funny at all...

Captive...

I can't break free

I am bound too tight

Please release me...


Its just not right

What holds me?

I wish I knew

Wait...I Do.

Let Me GO

Break these chains

A slave no more

To emotions pain

Challenges...

This month, the first month of the year is hitting me hard. Its like everything is happening allll at once. And to top it off, I found out that I have been acting like a hypocrite. Its pretty hard to admit that but I have been. MBR actually pointed that out. It was a hard pill to swallow but it did go down. And frankly it was irritating as hell. I always prided myself on being real but I guess not. I, myself, can't stand fake people or people who posed to be something but in fact are something else. But I know now that I was doing the exact same thing. Pretty humbling. I am still dealing with the endless emotions that control my heart and that's hard enough to keep under wraps. I also have not been Giving my Savior enough credit...for anything...Dag! What the heck is wrong with me!!!! Sometimes my flesh just takes over and I have temporary insanity. My God is bigger and I have to remember that. Sooo another challenge is standing before me...Am I up to it? We'll see....God, Help me.

Emotions

Emotions are like water

Sometimes Cloudy,

Sometimes Clear

My emotions, humph, are something to fear

They hurt, they bite, kick me hard

They make me say things I regret

Usually I keep them under lock and key

But lately they have been escaping me

Now they've done it again, causing me pain

And there maybe a casuality..a FRIENDSHIP

I had recently gained..

GOD, I HOPE NOT...

Another day, Another dollar...

Well, this weekend was pretty mundane, didn't do much except my hair. I had to rebraid it cuz WOW it was looking pretty pitiful. Took me 12 hrs, yeah 12hrs!!! Anyway, nothing much else went on. Oh, MBR finally did read the last blog and told me he had no comment on it. Sometimes he so frustrates me but that's him! I wanted to know what he thought but he tells me that because it's from my mind he won't criticize it. I didn't ask for critiscism, just a comment. I think he's the only one that reads this...oh well. I wanna get close to him as a friend but he makes it sooo difficult. Hopefully the more he knows me the more "priviledges" I'll get. HA HA! One interesting thing did happen....I began talkin to two people on BP and found one of them to be quite irritating, well not irritating but like, I don't how to explain it...pushy. Maybe Im not used to it but this guy wanted to be like my bf after just emailin and talkin ONE TIME on the phone. He was telling me all about his wife and some stuff about his divorce. It kinda weirded me out cuz even offered to pay for my school. But the strangest thing was it kinda reminded me of what I did to MBR. He thought it was hilarious cuz he said that exactly what I did. I was pushy with him. Well I DID not offered to pay for anything major but the pushy thing is me. I think what kinda turned him off. Cuz this guy definately turned me off. I don't even really wanna talk to him. I feel bad. It's funny how MBR still talks to me. He still calls me everyday and text me. I don't get it...I mean don't get me wrong I don't want it to stop..heck no. I like the fact that he's even thinking about me. That what makes it soo crazy, I mean this guy is willing to talk to me and I am not interested at all, yet it's like that with MBR only HE's the one not interested but HE still wants to talk to me. Or he could be just biding his time....I don't know. I could go batty thinking about it so I not gonna. I'm just not used to a man wanting to be my friend without nothing in it for him. Maybe he's right, I like him because of that reason. (of course I will never admit to that) He'll just gloat about it and tease me relentlessly! He already teases me about this other dude. LOL But that's okay too. I really enjoy the talks we have and he's already helped realize stuff about me. I just wish it wasn't so one-sided. I feel like I don't help him at ALL. That really bothers me. I hate the fact that he really doesn't need my help...on ANYTHING. I don't like be just a "taker". But Gosh, he understands me soooo well, it's sickening! I understand him on some things but i guess it's gonna take me longer. I just want to be there for him as much as he is for me. I don't wanna be selfish. My hope now is that I just get close enough for him to confide in me and be considered someone he trusts. Someone he can call up and hang out with without worrying or even thinkin about them tryin to come on to him. Maybe one day.

Epiphany

I just had an epiphany...yes, yes, right after i posted that poem and then went for my breakfast break....I whine...ALOT. And I need to stop that. I am constantly looking into the future and tryin to decide how it's gonna end. I don't know why I do that cuz God is the ONLY one that knows how it's gonna end. I have decided to stop whining and suck it up. Yes my emotions are a crappy mess but I need to do something about it instead of complaining. I am going to stop harping on certain things, one thing in particular. My friend, whom i will call MBR, hears alot of my whining and its mostly about me wanting to be with him. Well it's just not the case with him and for days now it's been killing me. I couldn't understand why not, even though MBR has told me like a million and one times. I would wait a couple days and then whine about it again. He was gracious enough to hear me out but enough IS enough. This friend of mine is a gift. A real Gift from God and I am now realizing that maybe it's just enough that he is willing to be my friend. Yes i will always like him( he has this crazy notion that I won't) but it's sooo not fair to him what I'm doing. He really wants to be my friend and if I keep doing what Im doing then I will push him away. So MBR, I am gonna drop the subject of us getting together for good....the why's or why not's. I want to concentrate on being your friend and not for alterior motives. You were kind enough to get on the rollercoaster with me and even though it's kinda makin you sick, you're sticking with me. I appreciate that and cherish that more than you know. I need you as a friend more than anything else. Soooo with that said...Im done. I hope MBR understands because I mean it and my "when" will finally be answered................

When?

When will it stop?

When will it end?

This ride Im on is making me dizzy

How am I supposed to Feel?

What am I supposed to Feel?

Just Relax..is what Im constantly told...

BUT how can I when I was never shown

When will these feelings leave my heart?

Should not have been there from the start.

When will I know Peace???

Please someone tell ME

WHEN?

Rollercoasters

Im just sitting here at work (again) wondering why I like rollercoasters so much. I love the thrill of going really fast and spinning and flippin upside down. Then comin to a complete stop. Maybe it's an adrenaline rush or maybe it's just the feeling of being free and scared at the same time. I guess its all of the above. Well anyway, rollercoaster are fun but today im on one that is..well..not so fun. Lately i have been riding this one alot and I can't seem to get off. It's like Im stuck to my seat and the ride keeps going and I am getting sick. What the heck am I talkin about? Well i am talkin about my emotions...and the rollercoaster they have me on. I thought I had them all in check but 2 weeks ago I got on the rollercoaster and now I can't seem to get off. Its nerve racking and frustrating all at the same time. Up, down, upside-down, side-ways..that's the way my emotions are right now. And all at a high speed! I should talk to someone, right? Well I am and its partly why I am on this thing. They are sitting right beside me! I hope they don't get off cause I really need someone to hold on to. What's the sad part is that I like being around this person but this ride might be too much for them and I am scared to death that when the ride pauses they are gonna jump off and never look back. I gotta stop this coaster before it goes right off the track......

I wish...

Sometimes I wish people would take what I say at face value.....because if they could look into my eyes, they would realize that it's coming from my heart...

Here Goes...

Well I have decided to start a blog. I actually found this place through another friend and I wanted to start a journal but I think a blog is better. First off I want to say Happy New year to everyone. I will try to write on here at least twice a week. Just to let people know what's goin on inside my head...pretty scary! HA! I may write in here once or twice a day if I feel like it. Right now Im at work...bored to death. So I decided to start a blog, right now, right this minute. This New Year is bringing some challenges....First off, I am gonna lose some weight. I know we've all heard that before but I am gonna stick to it this time. I even have some motivation! More about THAT later. Anyway, I have already started so that's good. I wanna stick to it. I started last year but got discouraged and stopped and promptly gained it ALL back and then some! So here I am starting again this year and God-willing I will reach my goal. I will keep everyone posted. This year is also bringing me some new things to think about. What do I really want? The same friend who showed me this site got me thinking about that. I'm on a quest to find out! He's forcing me to look deep inside myself and sometimes what I see, I don't like but with God's help I know I will get through. In case you haven't guessed, I am a christian. I am, by no means, perfect. I do have my issues! I have my struggles and sometimes they can be mad overwhelming. Anyway, I am learning that I have to work through them and not just push in the back of my mind like I always do. Well, that's all for now. Just keep a look out. These blogs will just be....ME.