Only Fools....

Only Fools follow gold

Only wise man know

I'm no fool

YOU'VE changed my point of view

To be kind is a quality

That I richly desire

It is better

To be poor

Than a lier



I no longer see


Things controlling me


YOU have spoken, I have listened


Only fools believe


In only what they see


Wise are rich indeed

Crystal Lewis

A night of revelation....

Tonight was a great nite. I just came back (its 3:00am btw) from a gospel concert hosted by a choir that a friend of mine is in. The ministry was totally awesome and you could tell God was there. However that wasn't the great part. God showed me something AFTER everything was over. And it was through a friend of mine who went with me. I'll call her K. Now K and I are pretty good friends and lately we have to been hanging out. She was the one who invited me to this concert. We both know the person but she was the one who let me know that he was in the concert. Anyway, I was taking her home when we got to talking about the concert and him and how God is sooo awesome. Well she got to telling me how she is so in LOVE with God and the she is just content. And that's when it happened...right after she said that, I didn't hear too much of nothing else because GOD begain talking to ME. He actually asked me how could I want someone to Love me and receive me when i didn't Love or receive HIM. That blew me away...I got choked up about it. He was right...did I really love God the way i said I did? And to be honest, I had to answer no..and that stung. I never really realized that. I have to FALL IN LOVE with HIM. When you've fallen in with love someone..you know them, you are around them, you talk to them, you're with them...You KNOW them. I don't know my God like I should so how can I truely be in Love with Him. I gotta get to know Him, I gotta fall in love with Him. My life has got to change and the only way its gonna change is to truely Love God and Christ cuz my life does depend on it. I will never know real Love like the Love of my savior and I have to Love Him Like NO OTHER. I want to know HIS love even if its the only LOvE i will have. It shouldnt matter. His Love is the ONLY thing that matters. All of this came to me while me and K where sitting in the car. God has been trying to get this through to me and I wasnt paying attention but now I am. MBR would proud because I know God is using him to help me see too. But tonight it was just God and me. You're probably thinking then how was this a great nite? Well because I know now what's been goin on. I think all the stuff that has happened to me in the last month and half has led up to this revelation. I know my mission. Now what do next? Put what I'm saying into action. No more talking..tired of talking, it's time to get to work...and start falling in love with My one and only...Jesus Christ

Finally a light...

I am beginning to be able to breathe again...

Just a thought...pt 2.

Nobody panic about that last blog...its just a thought. Sometimes I do wanna just forget about hard this life is and go on to be with my Father in heaven. BUT I have no intentions of doing that. 1. Its very selfish 2. All that does is bring pain to those left behind. Now if my Father chooses to take me then I'm Not gonna argue! LOL Today is a little better than yesterday but it's still a struggle. Last night was tough and I did cry out to my Dad and I know I felt His presence. The tide is slow....REAL slow in ebbing but it's ebbing.

Just a thought......

If I could leave this world without causing anyone pain..........I would.

Growing Pains....

I wish you hadn't let go of my hand so quickly...

I wasn't ready...

I feel so lost...

But I have to be strong...

I know I'm growing, gets a lil easier everyday.

Yet still.....

I cant let you know Im hurting....

So with my Father's Help, I will bury the pain, push on through...

and one day...forget all about the feelings I have for you


and




Just







BE







Your













Friend..............from a distance

The ever-approaching Tsunami....

What in the Hell is wrong with me today????
Something is REALLY bugging me and I can't for the life of me, figure out what.
This is like my 5th blog today! Maybe its a comglomerate of things.
I don't know. All I do know is that Im in PAIN.
Not just emotional pain...physical too.

EVERY DAMN THING HURTS.

Right down to my boobs! And it all rushing at me at an alarming rate. I need my Healer. What is REALLY goin on here? I wish I could talk to someone, well a part of me does, all i really want right now is to feel better. My emotions are soooo conniving! What I feel half the time is not what's reality, which in turn make it far, far worse. This month is kicking my iz-nazz!!! Today especially. I guess God is trying to knock me senseless cuz all my other resources are depleted. I depended on someone to help me thru this and now that's gone too. I feel like a phone bill that hasnt been paid...disconnected. Im just going thru the motions. I have GOT to get over this. This 20ft tidal wave is about to hit my shores and i need a dam! Just when i thought i was getting thru it...BAM! A cotton-pickin TSUNAMI is in the forecast. What a riot! Almost makes me laugh. But i guess God is teaching me that HE IS MY DAM. It still hurts like alll get out. Still I wish...oh nevermind...Jesus, I know with YOUR help I'll get through....(hopefully not too beat up)

Funny...

Funny how....

You think you're over something and You're NOT


Funny how...

The heart deceives the mind....


Funny how...

I want to be everything to someone instead of nothing to no one...


Funny how....

Action speak louder than words and there STILL is no trust...


Funny how....

Hypocrisy can come in all forms, shapes and sizes but can still hide...


Funny how....

There is a such thing as being sincerely WRONG...



Funny how...

Talking it out can be a REALLY BAD thing......


Funny how....

Starting to Like someone is WAY EASIER than stopping.....


Funny how...

The more people understand YOU, the quicker they pull away....


Funny how....

Hmm...maybe its not so funny at all...

Captive...

I can't break free

I am bound too tight

Please release me...


Its just not right

What holds me?

I wish I knew

Wait...I Do.

Let Me GO

Break these chains

A slave no more

To emotions pain

Challenges...

This month, the first month of the year is hitting me hard. Its like everything is happening allll at once. And to top it off, I found out that I have been acting like a hypocrite. Its pretty hard to admit that but I have been. MBR actually pointed that out. It was a hard pill to swallow but it did go down. And frankly it was irritating as hell. I always prided myself on being real but I guess not. I, myself, can't stand fake people or people who posed to be something but in fact are something else. But I know now that I was doing the exact same thing. Pretty humbling. I am still dealing with the endless emotions that control my heart and that's hard enough to keep under wraps. I also have not been Giving my Savior enough credit...for anything...Dag! What the heck is wrong with me!!!! Sometimes my flesh just takes over and I have temporary insanity. My God is bigger and I have to remember that. Sooo another challenge is standing before me...Am I up to it? We'll see....God, Help me.

Emotions

Emotions are like water

Sometimes Cloudy,

Sometimes Clear

My emotions, humph, are something to fear

They hurt, they bite, kick me hard

They make me say things I regret

Usually I keep them under lock and key

But lately they have been escaping me

Now they've done it again, causing me pain

And there maybe a casuality..a FRIENDSHIP

I had recently gained..

GOD, I HOPE NOT...

Another day, Another dollar...

Well, this weekend was pretty mundane, didn't do much except my hair. I had to rebraid it cuz WOW it was looking pretty pitiful. Took me 12 hrs, yeah 12hrs!!! Anyway, nothing much else went on. Oh, MBR finally did read the last blog and told me he had no comment on it. Sometimes he so frustrates me but that's him! I wanted to know what he thought but he tells me that because it's from my mind he won't criticize it. I didn't ask for critiscism, just a comment. I think he's the only one that reads this...oh well. I wanna get close to him as a friend but he makes it sooo difficult. Hopefully the more he knows me the more "priviledges" I'll get. HA HA! One interesting thing did happen....I began talkin to two people on BP and found one of them to be quite irritating, well not irritating but like, I don't how to explain it...pushy. Maybe Im not used to it but this guy wanted to be like my bf after just emailin and talkin ONE TIME on the phone. He was telling me all about his wife and some stuff about his divorce. It kinda weirded me out cuz even offered to pay for my school. But the strangest thing was it kinda reminded me of what I did to MBR. He thought it was hilarious cuz he said that exactly what I did. I was pushy with him. Well I DID not offered to pay for anything major but the pushy thing is me. I think what kinda turned him off. Cuz this guy definately turned me off. I don't even really wanna talk to him. I feel bad. It's funny how MBR still talks to me. He still calls me everyday and text me. I don't get it...I mean don't get me wrong I don't want it to stop..heck no. I like the fact that he's even thinking about me. That what makes it soo crazy, I mean this guy is willing to talk to me and I am not interested at all, yet it's like that with MBR only HE's the one not interested but HE still wants to talk to me. Or he could be just biding his time....I don't know. I could go batty thinking about it so I not gonna. I'm just not used to a man wanting to be my friend without nothing in it for him. Maybe he's right, I like him because of that reason. (of course I will never admit to that) He'll just gloat about it and tease me relentlessly! He already teases me about this other dude. LOL But that's okay too. I really enjoy the talks we have and he's already helped realize stuff about me. I just wish it wasn't so one-sided. I feel like I don't help him at ALL. That really bothers me. I hate the fact that he really doesn't need my help...on ANYTHING. I don't like be just a "taker". But Gosh, he understands me soooo well, it's sickening! I understand him on some things but i guess it's gonna take me longer. I just want to be there for him as much as he is for me. I don't wanna be selfish. My hope now is that I just get close enough for him to confide in me and be considered someone he trusts. Someone he can call up and hang out with without worrying or even thinkin about them tryin to come on to him. Maybe one day.

Epiphany

I just had an epiphany...yes, yes, right after i posted that poem and then went for my breakfast break....I whine...ALOT. And I need to stop that. I am constantly looking into the future and tryin to decide how it's gonna end. I don't know why I do that cuz God is the ONLY one that knows how it's gonna end. I have decided to stop whining and suck it up. Yes my emotions are a crappy mess but I need to do something about it instead of complaining. I am going to stop harping on certain things, one thing in particular. My friend, whom i will call MBR, hears alot of my whining and its mostly about me wanting to be with him. Well it's just not the case with him and for days now it's been killing me. I couldn't understand why not, even though MBR has told me like a million and one times. I would wait a couple days and then whine about it again. He was gracious enough to hear me out but enough IS enough. This friend of mine is a gift. A real Gift from God and I am now realizing that maybe it's just enough that he is willing to be my friend. Yes i will always like him( he has this crazy notion that I won't) but it's sooo not fair to him what I'm doing. He really wants to be my friend and if I keep doing what Im doing then I will push him away. So MBR, I am gonna drop the subject of us getting together for good....the why's or why not's. I want to concentrate on being your friend and not for alterior motives. You were kind enough to get on the rollercoaster with me and even though it's kinda makin you sick, you're sticking with me. I appreciate that and cherish that more than you know. I need you as a friend more than anything else. Soooo with that said...Im done. I hope MBR understands because I mean it and my "when" will finally be answered................

When?

When will it stop?

When will it end?

This ride Im on is making me dizzy

How am I supposed to Feel?

What am I supposed to Feel?

Just Relax..is what Im constantly told...

BUT how can I when I was never shown

When will these feelings leave my heart?

Should not have been there from the start.

When will I know Peace???

Please someone tell ME

WHEN?

Rollercoasters

Im just sitting here at work (again) wondering why I like rollercoasters so much. I love the thrill of going really fast and spinning and flippin upside down. Then comin to a complete stop. Maybe it's an adrenaline rush or maybe it's just the feeling of being free and scared at the same time. I guess its all of the above. Well anyway, rollercoaster are fun but today im on one that is..well..not so fun. Lately i have been riding this one alot and I can't seem to get off. It's like Im stuck to my seat and the ride keeps going and I am getting sick. What the heck am I talkin about? Well i am talkin about my emotions...and the rollercoaster they have me on. I thought I had them all in check but 2 weeks ago I got on the rollercoaster and now I can't seem to get off. Its nerve racking and frustrating all at the same time. Up, down, upside-down, side-ways..that's the way my emotions are right now. And all at a high speed! I should talk to someone, right? Well I am and its partly why I am on this thing. They are sitting right beside me! I hope they don't get off cause I really need someone to hold on to. What's the sad part is that I like being around this person but this ride might be too much for them and I am scared to death that when the ride pauses they are gonna jump off and never look back. I gotta stop this coaster before it goes right off the track......

I wish...

Sometimes I wish people would take what I say at face value.....because if they could look into my eyes, they would realize that it's coming from my heart...

Here Goes...

Well I have decided to start a blog. I actually found this place through another friend and I wanted to start a journal but I think a blog is better. First off I want to say Happy New year to everyone. I will try to write on here at least twice a week. Just to let people know what's goin on inside my head...pretty scary! HA! I may write in here once or twice a day if I feel like it. Right now Im at work...bored to death. So I decided to start a blog, right now, right this minute. This New Year is bringing some challenges....First off, I am gonna lose some weight. I know we've all heard that before but I am gonna stick to it this time. I even have some motivation! More about THAT later. Anyway, I have already started so that's good. I wanna stick to it. I started last year but got discouraged and stopped and promptly gained it ALL back and then some! So here I am starting again this year and God-willing I will reach my goal. I will keep everyone posted. This year is also bringing me some new things to think about. What do I really want? The same friend who showed me this site got me thinking about that. I'm on a quest to find out! He's forcing me to look deep inside myself and sometimes what I see, I don't like but with God's help I know I will get through. In case you haven't guessed, I am a christian. I am, by no means, perfect. I do have my issues! I have my struggles and sometimes they can be mad overwhelming. Anyway, I am learning that I have to work through them and not just push in the back of my mind like I always do. Well, that's all for now. Just keep a look out. These blogs will just be....ME.