Control...ALT..DELETE....

Well its almost that time of year again...wait it IS that time of year again! That time where good feelings are abound...thankfulness is abundant and people seem to be more giving and happy..Yes its that season...Well then why in THE world do I feel sooo not happy atm?? Hmmm lets see...yes..yes you guess it..its the bf...Don't know what to think about this...been getting alot of advice and opinions about the whole thing...Without putting too much out there...the bf's issues have crepted (I know that's spelled wrong..but who cares?? Its MY blog..digressing tho..) up yet again only this time it was worse than ever..THe last MONTH has been pure-de-hell..and we almost broke up numerous times...He told me something that hurt me to my heart and frankly Im having the toughest time trying to get over it...or at least work thru it. He tells me he loves me but I just can NOT see it with his attitude. So finally we talked to his mentor who happens to be a pastor and I thought this would help but alas it doesn't seem like it has. I haven't a clue (well..that's a lie..I do) what to do cause my mind is telling me one thing and my heart another. ANd if it keeps going the way its going..my heart will soon be saying the same thing my mind is. Been getting alot of advice from ppl. Needless to say my mom is not to thrilled about the latest developments..not too thrilled AT all! To DD and EP..thank you for your to-the-point, no holds barred opinions and prayer...I really appreciate it. This is something I wish was easy. If I could just go back to the beginning when we first met and start over..maybe not jump sooo deeply in with my emotions..this would probably be alot easier. Sad part is that I still love him and care for him so letting go harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes I wanna erase or get a "do over" like we used to in grade school...because Im not fairing too well. I know the bf has to go thru some..well alot of this on his own because God is trying to get thru to him but I wish I didn't have to watch..its painful sometimes..It sure would be nice to have those buttons where you can start over or reboot...**siigh** keep praying for me ya'll...

Best Girlfriend EVER...

Well I know its been a minute since I'd be on here but i have been hecka busy and too tired to write! Anyway today was the bf's bday and I must say I think he has a really good time. This whole weekend was great for him matter of fact! So Fri nite we left after he got off work and headed to Rome, Ga again. This is where his best friend and his family live. We stayed the whole weekend with them and even had a party (altho there were some ghetto behind ppl there..but I digress) But what made my day is seeing the look on the bf's face when he opened his present from me..You see I got him a vintage Tee shirt he been dying to get "since 1987" (his words) I found it on a website and knew if I got him this shirt I would be the best girlfriend on the planet! Just the sheer look of joy on his face was enough for me! And the funny part was..earlier that day we were at the mall up there (a CAM aka Country A** Mall..his name for it)and he ALMOST bought the tee shirt! Ugh..bout had a mini-heart attack! His best friend convince him not to get it cuz i had alerted him that I had already GOT him one..whew! So needless to say he lost his mind when he opened his gift! I was happy! The party later that night was how should i say this....GHETTO...but it was for his best friend (his bday was two days earlier) and it was all his friends. Me and the bf felt outta place and I felt sick with all the smoke (practically everyone was smoking) so I went in the back room and laid down...bf followed and stayed back there until everyone left (that was at 3AM) All in all...we did have fun and I know now that my bf had a great time...Couldn't stop talking about the tee either...I should get a medal...hmmm

All Good things...

Well now that I got THAT off my chest...The VACAY was AWWWWWWSOOOMMMEEE!!! Me and the bf bonded like no other and the best part he bonded with my family! We floated down the lazy river and just talked and laughed and had a great time! He was really open and funny and receptive all of my family who was there! The only downside is that we had to leave before everyone else cuz we both had to go back to work! So back to GA we went...only to almost run out of GAS. We ended up having to call the roadside assistance at some remote GAS station that was CLOSED! Thankfully the tow truck guy who gave us 2gallons of gas (cost 5.60 and didn't even give me a HALF tank...thievery..i tell ya..but I digress)had pity on us and gave us enough to get the rest of the way home and I have some gas left over too. So this trip was pretty eventful and I'll never forget it...and I doubt the bf wont either!

Stick a fork in it.....

Sometimes the people closest to you can really make you wanna strangle them. AND NO Im not talking bout the bf this time! They say one thing and yet they mean another but yet you're supposed to guess that they mean the other thing! Ughh! Lets just say without putting them out on front street that I wish they would see that Im not such "no clue" person as they make me out to be. I can't win for losing...EVER! Just gets frustrating at times...makes me wanna cuss (and I have..LaWD forgive me!) So Im done...Im done with trying...done with hoping for approval cuz it seems like i'll never get it anyway...Lord ya gotta help me on this one...cus Im done!

The Adventures of D&K....

Well today me and the bf are going to Florida. Yes we are going on what I like to call a "mini-road trip" I know I've mentioned before that my Auntie has a timeshare in Orlando and this year she invited to bf to come along! I was estatic to say the least! So now we are hopping in my car and driving 8hrs and then spending the next 5days together with my side of the family. This pretty monumental..to both of us. For one thing, getting invited and two..the fact that we will be around each other 24/7. I must admit I am kinda excited...no scratch that REAL excited! This little adventure will give us a lil somewhat taste of what it will be like when we get married (looooong time from now) so we are both kinda stoked! And we are gonna surprise his dtr too and I'll be meeting her for the first time..Im kinda nervous cuz shes a teenager and girls and their daddies are a special thing. Im prob gonna give them some alone time too. Either way its pretty tight that we are going. He is actually excited himself which is great! So off on this lil adventure we go and I will dispense all the juicy details when we get back (maybe..wink, wink)

C&D Chronicles...blast from the past...

So Im sitting here taking my hair out so I can get it done tomorrow and trying NOT to look like a throw-back from the 70's but I digress... and while Im doing this I came across DD and wife's blog. (Yes he is actually married now...good for him) We actually reconnected a couple of weeks ago on FB and chatted a little (well he did most of the talking...THAT will never change!)on the phone. It was good to hear from him and I must admit I almost fell back into blurting out my whole life story since we..uh..Parted. However, I did not and besides the fact that he is now a married man (with two of the cutest children I've ever seen)and it feels weird now, I don't wanna get into THAT habit again. I guess I just missed his laughter and his wicked sense of humor. I think I finally threw that diary out I had that almost completely consisted of him in it. DD showed me alot...like I had mentioned in a post looong ago and It's still great to see that he and his family are serving God. I do get a little prideful (Lord forgive me)in knowing that I knew him when he first got saved...told me on the phone..I'll never forget that..but Im not a finished product...HE is still working on me! Anyway...its great to read his chronicles..both from him and his wife. She is the perfect match for him...God knew. I could have never been right for hi...I would have drove the poor man batty! I like reading what she writes and now video blogs too. Maybe I can get some insight..ya know. God sure has a funny way of bringing things full-circle but That's Him. So now there's yet another interesting tidbit that 2010 has given me...wonder what's next???

some thoughts...

Well the last post was all about the bf but I do have other stuff to say! Its amazing what will happen when you obey God...When you give it to HIM. Now Im not saying that it's easy but it's definately worth it. Im trying to strive to be like HIM and sometimes its so hard but it's the only path I HAVE to take. I know He has a purpose for me and yes I think the bf is a part of it but I know He wants me to continue to work ON ME. And thats what Im trying to do. I still have to work on alot of things but Im trying...well scratch that...Im doing. I feel like I have to DO more though..be more. The church Im going to is awesome and I keep feeling this tug to get involved more...but right now it just doesn't seem to be an opportunity. I did join the drama group but ever since my surgery..i haven't been able to get there! Seems like the Sat they have it...im always doing something! I think she done stop sending me emails too! I know they prob have something this Sat but Im planning on going to SC to surprise visit my Grandma and Dad. I haven't seen them in a minute (well Grandma) Saw Dad at my bro's album release party which was really good. But Im getting off track...as always..like I was saying God is really showing me things and I need to keep going after HIM. Trust me sometimes...I fall so hard that I don't think I'll get back up but I do because I know He'll be there to help me. I've learned that I am NOTHING without HIM...and I have to really start showing it. Anyway that's just some thoughts...more later!

All about the BF....

Well its July and This month is most definately starting off better than the last one! Why was JUNE such a rough month this year? And that's my birthday month no less! But I digress...ANYWAY...like I was saying July is starting off pretty good. For one thing me and the bf are moving along pretty good now...He is really stepping it up. And we both are really trying to do it the right way. His attitude is much different now..although he'll have some spells but they are getting less frequent and he is going to GOD alot more now. He is really keeping his promise..which in turn pushes me to keep mine. Yes...don't know if I mentioned it but he gave me a promise ring on Fathers Day. Now I know it sounds "high-school" but I don't care. It's very special to me and what it stands for is far more important to what ppl may think. For the most part I've gotten really good compliments on it anyway! Mom is also warming up to him (could it be true???) I know she is still leary but last Sunday he went to church with us and afterward she told him that she enjoyed him being there! Then he asked her for a hug and she gave him a big one! That made me feel really good. We spent the Fourth together and we went back to Rome, Ga to visit his friend and his family (which are my friends too now) But the best part was the ride home. We talked so much and it was so meaningful. God is doing something we just have to "stay the course" like bf says! Next week we are going to Florida with my Auntie and gonna stay in her timeshare. This will be our first road trip together and I am mad excited. 4 whole days to be together...wow...this will be interesting but Im excited to see how this works out. I hope he'll get used to my crazy family! My auntie and her husband, my cousin and her family (which includes 3 kids!!) and her mom and dad. Sadly Mom NOR my brother (which the bf is very fond of) is not going. But its all good. I think this time alone (8hr drive in the car..cramped legs for sure..but THATs another story) will be good for the both of us. I believe this will give us a glimpse of what it will be like to be around each other 24/7. So Im excited! So July is pretty eventful so far. I know this post is all about the bf...but hey, he's become a big part of my life (who would of thought that possible???) But I am so thankful that he is...Stay tuned...

New Beginning....

New outlook...New behavior...new beginning...Im estactic! The bf (yes he's "in") has stepped up to the plate! Yesterday was Father's Day and I got a promise ring!!! Im so happy I could cry! I almost did! I can't wait to see what God has in store! Stay tuned!

June blues...

Well just broke up with bf...a week short of 6months...bummed..that's all

May Flowers?

Well May is here and I finally got to post something! First off the surgery went well..altho the heartburn and nausea STILL like to visit but I guess that's what I have to deal with. I just now I have to watch I what I eat. I can get away with eating a little bit of my fries but now I can't get be a glutton like I was (lol) In other events (sound like a news cast..but I digress) The BF and me are really doing good. We have passed the 5mon mark and heading toward our sixth. He is finally really starting to open up to me more and yes TALK!!! I am soo happy underneath. So he is progressing..it may be it slow but it's movement! I swear I fall in Love with him more and more everyday..YES I said LOVE. I do love him...and he does treat me pretty good. We talk EVERY day and if I told you how many TEXTs we do...it's well into the 4000's! He was supposed to go with us to NY but alas his neice is graduating the exact same day so that was out. Mom I know still has a slight prob with me being with him but hopefully she will come around. Anyway so all is pretty well in that dept...oh one more thing..we went alllll the way to Rome, Ga to meet up with the BF's best friend and his family he hadn't seen in like 10yrs. And I must say it was the happiest I have ever seen him. I love that part of him..when he can just let go and be HIM...Went to his church that morning (great message btw) and then headed out there. And when I say "out there" I mean OUT THERE. I swear this dude lives in BFE and hick country! I even saw a van on blocks! WHO has a VAN on Blocks????? LOL But once we got there it all fine. One of my fav things is their cat who "silent meows" He opens his mouth and looks like he's meowing but NO sound comes out. Its the funniest thing! So I really had a good time, best part was seeing the BF estatically happy to see his boy! Made driving to no-mans land all the worth-while. Well gonna bounce..hopefully I can squeeze in another post later in this month!

Another week in April..

Into another week...and this week...Friday to be exact...I have my surgery to get that blasted Gallbladder out. I must say I wasn't nervous until last nite...I mean it's only supposed to laparscopic but it could turning into me waking up with a 6-7inch scar! God..I hope not. The bf is supposed to come try and see me but he's having ride issues. I would love it if he did tho, but can't be upset if he doesn't. He is trying. Oh he finally got into wrestling camp...starts the week after. I soo want to go see him wrestle but I don't know if I'll be able to drive quite yet. We spent allll day yesterday together, saw Clash of the Titans (awesome movie btw) shopped and just basically was together. I truely believe that this man..with all his issues..really loves me. I mean I know that he still has a ways to go but I can honestly say that I can't imagine myself without him in my life. His sincereness is what is holding me to him..and now he really is trying and I can't fault him for that. I am learning to just be patient and he is talking more...The only thing is that I wish Mom could see it. She doesn't and has basically stopped talking to me about him and I just rather not say too much about it either cus all i get is looks and sighs and I just don't wanna deal with that at the moment. Its gonna be a minute before we (me and him) jump into anything like engagement much less marriage because we both know there are things that need to be in order first. I finally told the bf how my mom feels and he didn't take that too well but i felt i needed to tell him. Hopefully she'll come around. Anyway everything else is okay. That's about it for now, will write again post surgery...

April showers...Maybe not

Well April is here and so far it's starting off pretty good. Just got done doing a major Easter production at my church and I must say I had a blast! Of course I played a Demon...AGAIN (why does that always happen??? I never get to play a good guy..hmm gotta wonder...but I digress...) It was good though, ALOT of ppl came! I made a grip of new friends and I am only gonna get more involved. Which that in itself is a good thing...keeps me from being so focused on other things....ya know what I mean? Im trying my darndest to Keep HIM first. Being in that production made me feel alive and that I was actually doing something for the Kingdom. The only down side is that my BF (dare I say that???) didn't come. He says his ride flaked on him but I couldnt help but be upset with him for a minute! Of course he'll never know that but I was! Then he turned around and wrote something sweet....really sweet on Facebook so everyone could see! Ugh! Sometimes I wanna break it off with him cus it can get so exhausting trying to get him to do anything and then there are times (alot of times) when I love being with him! I just wish he was move faster! He got upset with me a few days ago saying I'm always trying to psychoanalyze him, but it's because he has a real tough time talking about his feelings! I guess I should back off and Im trying! Mom is STILL not happy with the fact Im hanging with him and trying to make it work. She says she doesn't want me to cut it off with him but I seriously don't believe that. She be alot happier if I just didn't talk to him I bet. Im just trying to sort this all out in my head...I do love him and I wanna give him every chance in the world and he really hasn't done anything major since that fight for me to say "ya know..that's IT" And when he really drives me crazy...he turns around and does something really nice....IDK...Im still in the "Wait and see" mode. Its only been 3months almost 4...I did say 6months...soooo...Anyway I just know that I just can't turn it off quite yet! Im keeping my heart guarded for the most part (he don't know that) As far as praying about it...IIII dont know...I've tried but it seems like it's bouncing off the walls....I just don't believe that HE would allow someone like this in my life to give me a taste of what it could be like and then bam...all these problems pop up and I should drop him like a hot potato! I can't do it...at least not right now! I know he has great potential...if only it could be cracked...like I said...6months...6months...hopefully things would be progressing. They are sllllllloooowwwly, he is trying to talk more. And I can't make him be more spiritual either..heck IM not even there...so it's still "we'll see"

As far as the other news...surgery is this month...Apr 16th to be exact...not too thrilled bout that...only good thing is that I get a whole week off to recuperate! Dang I STILL have to tell my DAD and grandma...gotta call them like ASAP! Sometimes this life of mine is sooo exhausting...

Not over...Round two

Well it wasn't as "over" as I thought. Turns out he really wants to be with me. Texted me the night after I wrote the last post, profoundly apologetic. Said he didn't realize how much he loved me until that point. He was feeling smothered and didn't know how to tell me and when I pressed him, he shut down. Still no excuse for how he treated me but he wants to change...sooo...gave him another chance. Why, you say? Because I do believe I love him too...I mean really love him. Now my mother does not agree with me because "he has alot of issues" and yes I know that too but how can I say no when he asked for another chance? I really wanna see if this is gonna work altho at times, I do admit I have my doubts. Some things we are sooo different in but he makes me feel so wanted and loved. This past Saturday, we went out...after two weeks of not seeing one another and it was nice. No details but it was nice...(even got flowers...so he IS trying) This Sunday and Next he is goin to church with me...so that's a step in the right direction. I'm not saying its set in stone that he's IT...but we'll see... More later...

In other news...guess who has to get her gallbladder out...Oh "yay" More stress I don't need...but it is what it is and gotta get it done...oh well...

Over and done with...Already

**Sigh**Well just as quick as it begun it's over...As of yesterday...I am no longer in a relationship. We broke up yesterday. And trust me...It wasn't because I wanted to. He is all around sweet person but he has MAJOR issues, especially with communication. And i got a glimpse of how cold and callous he can be. I couldnt handle it. So now, Im single...AGAIN. It really sucks because I had a great time when him, he was so cool but the minute I wanted to talk deep with him, he got annoyed. And this time I really told him about it and he basically shut down...and dismissed me! Anyway, I told him if he wanted to talk to me he knows my number! I doubt seriously he's gonna ever call me again but hey, Its his LOSS. Sure I bawled like a baby, sure I feel like major CRAP right now but I will get over it! It was only 2 1/2 months that we were together so I WILL get OVER IT!!! Still I miss him...alot...

Other news, I guess is that a got a new phone! Its pretty tight too! I still trying to figure out all the features but its pretty tight! Anyway, that's all for now...Trying to keep my mind off of him...Ugh, this sucks...

New Year...ya I Know Im late!

2010...what can I say...It has started off FANTASTIC! I haven't written on here since August of Last year and Soooo much has happened since then. For one thing..the church I'm at is Awesome. It's Free Chapel in Gainesville. The pastor is Jenztsen Franklin ( I know that spelled wrong) Good preaching, good fellowship (even tho the church is HUGE) Good everything! I even joined the Drama group! Went on 21-day fast....nearly killed me but I did learn alot. As far as my professional life ( if you wanna call it that) I just passed my year mark at the job Im currently at. Its okay but I am trying to get back into school..I found out its harder than I thought. You see, I wanna go back to be a cardiovascular tech but the only school that seems to have wants 35 grand...which I can just pull outta my butt!!! I know I can do loans but I don't wanna...ugh...wish I could win the lottery so I can go back to dang school...but I digress. Imma just have to find a way back somehow. The BIG news is that I now have a boyfriend...YES>>>ME..with a MAN...Its still hard to believe. We met on a dating site...welll actually he sent me a message and it was funny cus I NEVER check the site and I got a notification that I had a message so I decided to check it. We started texting back and forth and then met up on DEC 11th 2009 at perimeter mall....(date I will never forget) And the rest is history. He has a bit of a past but who hasnt and I am willing to go on with him. He treats me so good and I have never felt like this for any man. And that includes DD and DH! This man makes me feel sooo loved and he accepts me for me...clumsiness, loudness and all! I think this is it but we have to keep HIM first (yes he's a christian..wouldnt have it ANY other way) There are some things that need to be worked out first so there will be NO kinda rushing at all. Im just in a happy place right now and I hope to God that six, 12, 24 months from now...i'll still be posting the same thing...I just feel that NO matter what..we are gonna be together. So 2010 has started off better than I expected, and far beyond what I had imagined and I hope it just keeps getting better and better...