insidemymind...a day in the life

March Madness...

2011-03-16T17:24:00.000-07:00

Not much for writing on here right now...Things are happening so fast now....First He's in school now...got his ID (will never forget that day) and Now I'm a BRIDE TO BE!!! Yes He asked me to be his wife and I said YES!!! Im so excited! Im STILL trying to get in school but pftt...looks like that not gonna happen for a minute...Anyhoo...Im still amazed at what has happened already! And its only MARCH! Still really havent nailed down a date yet...not sure if its gonna be in 2012 or 2013...want 2012...but I wanna have some MULA! This is all so new! Prob wont hear from me for a while again...maybe next time I'll be writing as MRS...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2011-01-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

First off...Happy New year everyone! As I sit here listening to Free Chapel online during their praise and worship singing "Its a New Season" I reflect on what has transpired this past year...All I can say is WOW and thank you Jesus! Alot has happened this past year and I am looking forward to this year. Me and the BF have made it past a year and God is changing the both of us. Im excited to what HE is gonna do this year with the both of us. He allowed him to to get a car toward the end of the year and is showing him alot (not to mention ME)so Im excited. Christmas and New Year's was great. Spent Christmas EVE with the boyfriend and Christmas Day with the Family! Had so much fun...it even snowed on christmas! New Years was good...spent it with the Boyfriend of course and it was really nice. I am so grateful for what going on in my life right now and I gonna strive to really Give HIM thanks for it. The 21 day fast is coming up and I tryng to think what I am gonna fast...(need to fast all meals due the weight I've gain..but I digress)It's gonna be a great year..I just know it!

Control...ALT..DELETE....

2010-11-18T19:21:00.000-08:00

Well its almost that time of year again...wait it IS that time of year again! That time where good feelings are abound...thankfulness is abundant and people seem to be more giving and happy..Yes its that season...Well then why in THE world do I feel sooo not happy atm?? Hmmm lets see...yes..yes you guess it..its the bf...Don't know what to think about this...been getting alot of advice and opinions about the whole thing...Without putting too much out there...the bf's issues have crepted (I know that's spelled wrong..but who cares?? Its MY blog..digressing tho..) up yet again only this time it was worse than ever..THe last MONTH has been pure-de-hell..and we almost broke up numerous times...He told me something that hurt me to my heart and frankly Im having the toughest time trying to get over it...or at least work thru it. He tells me he loves me but I just can NOT see it with his attitude. So finally we talked to his mentor who happens to be a pastor and I thought this would help but alas it doesn't seem like it has. I haven't a clue (well..that's a lie..I do) what to do cause my mind is telling me one thing and my heart another. ANd if it keeps going the way its going..my heart will soon be saying the same thing my mind is. Been getting alot of advice from ppl. Needless to say my mom is not to thrilled about the latest developments..not too thrilled AT all! To DD and EP..thank you for your to-the-point, no holds barred opinions and prayer...I really appreciate it. This is something I wish was easy. If I could just go back to the beginning when we first met and start over..maybe not jump sooo deeply in with my emotions..this would probably be alot easier. Sad part is that I still love him and care for him so letting go harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes I wanna erase or get a "do over" like we used to in grade school...because Im not fairing too well. I know the bf has to go thru some..well alot of this on his own because God is trying to get thru to him but I wish I didn't have to watch..its painful sometimes..It sure would be nice to have those buttons where you can start over or reboot...**siigh** keep praying for me ya'll...

Best Girlfriend EVER...

2010-10-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

Well I know its been a minute since I'd be on here but i have been hecka busy and too tired to write! Anyway today was the bf's bday and I must say I think he has a really good time. This whole weekend was great for him matter of fact! So Fri nite we left after he got off work and headed to Rome, Ga again. This is where his best friend and his family live. We stayed the whole weekend with them and even had a party (altho there were some ghetto behind ppl there..but I digress) But what made my day is seeing the look on the bf's face when he opened his present from me..You see I got him a vintage Tee shirt he been dying to get "since 1987" (his words) I found it on a website and knew if I got him this shirt I would be the best girlfriend on the planet! Just the sheer look of joy on his face was enough for me! And the funny part was..earlier that day we were at the mall up there (a CAM aka Country A** Mall..his name for it)and he ALMOST bought the tee shirt! Ugh..bout had a mini-heart attack! His best friend convince him not to get it cuz i had alerted him that I had already GOT him one..whew! So needless to say he lost his mind when he opened his gift! I was happy! The party later that night was how should i say this....GHETTO...but it was for his best friend (his bday was two days earlier) and it was all his friends. Me and the bf felt outta place and I felt sick with all the smoke (practically everyone was smoking) so I went in the back room and laid down...bf followed and stayed back there until everyone left (that was at 3AM) All in all...we did have fun and I know now that my bf had a great time...Couldn't stop talking about the tee either...I should get a medal...hmmm

All Good things...

2010-07-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

Well now that I got THAT off my chest...The VACAY was AWWWWWWSOOOMMMEEE!!! Me and the bf bonded like no other and the best part he bonded with my family! We floated down the lazy river and just talked and laughed and had a great time! He was really open and funny and receptive all of my family who was there! The only downside is that we had to leave before everyone else cuz we both had to go back to work! So back to GA we went...only to almost run out of GAS. We ended up having to call the roadside assistance at some remote GAS station that was CLOSED! Thankfully the tow truck guy who gave us 2gallons of gas (cost 5.60 and didn't even give me a HALF tank...thievery..i tell ya..but I digress)had pity on us and gave us enough to get the rest of the way home and I have some gas left over too. So this trip was pretty eventful and I'll never forget it...and I doubt the bf wont either!

Stick a fork in it.....

2010-07-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the people closest to you can really make you wanna strangle them. AND NO Im not talking bout the bf this time! They say one thing and yet they mean another but yet you're supposed to guess that they mean the other thing! Ughh! Lets just say without putting them out on front street that I wish they would see that Im not such "no clue" person as they make me out to be. I can't win for losing...EVER! Just gets frustrating at times...makes me wanna cuss (and I have..LaWD forgive me!) So Im done...Im done with trying...done with hoping for approval cuz it seems like i'll never get it anyway...Lord ya gotta help me on this one...cus Im done!

The Adventures of D&K....

2010-07-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

Well today me and the bf are going to Florida. Yes we are going on what I like to call a "mini-road trip" I know I've mentioned before that my Auntie has a timeshare in Orlando and this year she invited to bf to come along! I was estatic to say the least! So now we are hopping in my car and driving 8hrs and then spending the next 5days together with my side of the family. This pretty monumental..to both of us. For one thing, getting invited and two..the fact that we will be around each other 24/7. I must admit I am kinda excited...no scratch that REAL excited! This little adventure will give us a lil somewhat taste of what it will be like when we get married (looooong time from now) so we are both kinda stoked! And we are gonna surprise his dtr too and I'll be meeting her for the first time..Im kinda nervous cuz shes a teenager and girls and their daddies are a special thing. Im prob gonna give them some alone time too. Either way its pretty tight that we are going. He is actually excited himself which is great! So off on this lil adventure we go and I will dispense all the juicy details when we get back (maybe..wink, wink)

C&D Chronicles...blast from the past...

2010-07-08T19:50:00.000-07:00

So Im sitting here taking my hair out so I can get it done tomorrow and trying NOT to look like a throw-back from the 70's but I digress... and while Im doing this I came across DD and wife's blog. (Yes he is actually married now...good for him) We actually reconnected a couple of weeks ago on FB and chatted a little (well he did most of the talking...THAT will never change!)on the phone. It was good to hear from him and I must admit I almost fell back into blurting out my whole life story since we..uh..Parted. However, I did not and besides the fact that he is now a married man (with two of the cutest children I've ever seen)and it feels weird now, I don't wanna get into THAT habit again. I guess I just missed his laughter and his wicked sense of humor. I think I finally threw that diary out I had that almost completely consisted of him in it. DD showed me alot...like I had mentioned in a post looong ago and It's still great to see that he and his family are serving God. I do get a little prideful (Lord forgive me)in knowing that I knew him when he first got saved...told me on the phone..I'll never forget that..but Im not a finished product...HE is still working on me! Anyway...its great to read his chronicles..both from him and his wife. She is the perfect match for him...God knew. I could have never been right for hi...I would have drove the poor man batty! I like reading what she writes and now video blogs too. Maybe I can get some insight..ya know. God sure has a funny way of bringing things full-circle but That's Him. So now there's yet another interesting tidbit that 2010 has given me...wonder what's next???

some thoughts...

2010-07-07T04:31:00.001-07:00

Well the last post was all about the bf but I do have other stuff to say! Its amazing what will happen when you obey God...When you give it to HIM. Now Im not saying that it's easy but it's definately worth it. Im trying to strive to be like HIM and sometimes its so hard but it's the only path I HAVE to take. I know He has a purpose for me and yes I think the bf is a part of it but I know He wants me to continue to work ON ME. And thats what Im trying to do. I still have to work on alot of things but Im trying...well scratch that...Im doing. I feel like I have to DO more though..be more. The church Im going to is awesome and I keep feeling this tug to get involved more...but right now it just doesn't seem to be an opportunity. I did join the drama group but ever since my surgery..i haven't been able to get there! Seems like the Sat they have it...im always doing something! I think she done stop sending me emails too! I know they prob have something this Sat but Im planning on going to SC to surprise visit my Grandma and Dad. I haven't seen them in a minute (well Grandma) Saw Dad at my bro's album release party which was really good. But Im getting off track...as always..like I was saying God is really showing me things and I need to keep going after HIM. Trust me sometimes...I fall so hard that I don't think I'll get back up but I do because I know He'll be there to help me. I've learned that I am NOTHING without HIM...and I have to really start showing it. Anyway that's just some thoughts...more later!

All about the BF....

2010-07-07T04:14:00.000-07:00

Well its July and This month is most definately starting off better than the last one! Why was JUNE such a rough month this year? And that's my birthday month no less! But I digress...ANYWAY...like I was saying July is starting off pretty good. For one thing me and the bf are moving along pretty good now...He is really stepping it up. And we both are really trying to do it the right way. His attitude is much different now..although he'll have some spells but they are getting less frequent and he is going to GOD alot more now. He is really keeping his promise..which in turn pushes me to keep mine. Yes...don't know if I mentioned it but he gave me a promise ring on Fathers Day. Now I know it sounds "high-school" but I don't care. It's very special to me and what it stands for is far more important to what ppl may think. For the most part I've gotten really good compliments on it anyway! Mom is also warming up to him (could it be true???) I know she is still leary but last Sunday he went to church with us and afterward she told him that she enjoyed him being there! Then he asked her for a hug and she gave him a big one! That made me feel really good. We spent the Fourth together and we went back to Rome, Ga to visit his friend and his family (which are my friends too now) But the best part was the ride home. We talked so much and it was so meaningful. God is doing something we just have to "stay the course" like bf says! Next week we are going to Florida with my Auntie and gonna stay in her timeshare. This will be our first road trip together and I am mad excited. 4 whole days to be together...wow...this will be interesting but Im excited to see how this works out. I hope he'll get used to my crazy family! My auntie and her husband, my cousin and her family (which includes 3 kids!!) and her mom and dad. Sadly Mom NOR my brother (which the bf is very fond of) is not going. But its all good. I think this time alone (8hr drive in the car..cramped legs for sure..but THATs another story) will be good for the both of us. I believe this will give us a glimpse of what it will be like to be around each other 24/7. So Im excited! So July is pretty eventful so far. I know this post is all about the bf...but hey, he's become a big part of my life (who would of thought that possible???) But I am so thankful that he is...Stay tuned...

New Beginning....

2010-06-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

New outlook...New behavior...new beginning...Im estactic! The bf (yes he's "in") has stepped up to the plate! Yesterday was Father's Day and I got a promise ring!!! Im so happy I could cry! I almost did! I can't wait to see what God has in store! Stay tuned!

June blues...

2010-06-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

Well just broke up with bf...a week short of 6months...bummed..that's all

May Flowers?

2010-05-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

Well May is here and I finally got to post something! First off the surgery went well..altho the heartburn and nausea STILL like to visit but I guess that's what I have to deal with. I just now I have to watch I what I eat. I can get away with eating a little bit of my fries but now I can't get be a glutton like I was (lol) In other events (sound like a news cast..but I digress) The BF and me are really doing good. We have passed the 5mon mark and heading toward our sixth. He is finally really starting to open up to me more and yes TALK!!! I am soo happy underneath. So he is progressing..it may be it slow but it's movement! I swear I fall in Love with him more and more everyday..YES I said LOVE. I do love him...and he does treat me pretty good. We talk EVERY day and if I told you how many TEXTs we do...it's well into the 4000's! He was supposed to go with us to NY but alas his neice is graduating the exact same day so that was out. Mom I know still has a slight prob with me being with him but hopefully she will come around. Anyway so all is pretty well in that dept...oh one more thing..we went alllll the way to Rome, Ga to meet up with the BF's best friend and his family he hadn't seen in like 10yrs. And I must say it was the happiest I have ever seen him. I love that part of him..when he can just let go and be HIM...Went to his church that morning (great message btw) and then headed out there. And when I say "out there" I mean OUT THERE. I swear this dude lives in BFE and hick country! I even saw a van on blocks! WHO has a VAN on Blocks????? LOL But once we got there it all fine. One of my fav things is their cat who "silent meows" He opens his mouth and looks like he's meowing but NO sound comes out. Its the funniest thing! So I really had a good time, best part was seeing the BF estatically happy to see his boy! Made driving to no-mans land all the worth-while. Well gonna bounce..hopefully I can squeeze in another post later in this month!

Another week in April..

2010-04-11T15:34:00.000-07:00

Into another week...and this week...Friday to be exact...I have my surgery to get that blasted Gallbladder out. I must say I wasn't nervous until last nite...I mean it's only supposed to laparscopic but it could turning into me waking up with a 6-7inch scar! God..I hope not. The bf is supposed to come try and see me but he's having ride issues. I would love it if he did tho, but can't be upset if he doesn't. He is trying. Oh he finally got into wrestling camp...starts the week after. I soo want to go see him wrestle but I don't know if I'll be able to drive quite yet. We spent allll day yesterday together, saw Clash of the Titans (awesome movie btw) shopped and just basically was together. I truely believe that this man..with all his issues..really loves me. I mean I know that he still has a ways to go but I can honestly say that I can't imagine myself without him in my life. His sincereness is what is holding me to him..and now he really is trying and I can't fault him for that. I am learning to just be patient and he is talking more...The only thing is that I wish Mom could see it. She doesn't and has basically stopped talking to me about him and I just rather not say too much about it either cus all i get is looks and sighs and I just don't wanna deal with that at the moment. Its gonna be a minute before we (me and him) jump into anything like engagement much less marriage because we both know there are things that need to be in order first. I finally told the bf how my mom feels and he didn't take that too well but i felt i needed to tell him. Hopefully she'll come around. Anyway everything else is okay. That's about it for now, will write again post surgery...

April showers...Maybe not

2010-04-05T18:55:00.000-07:00

Well April is here and so far it's starting off pretty good. Just got done doing a major Easter production at my church and I must say I had a blast! Of course I played a Demon...AGAIN (why does that always happen??? I never get to play a good guy..hmm gotta wonder...but I digress...) It was good though, ALOT of ppl came! I made a grip of new friends and I am only gonna get more involved. Which that in itself is a good thing...keeps me from being so focused on other things....ya know what I mean? Im trying my darndest to Keep HIM first. Being in that production made me feel alive and that I was actually doing something for the Kingdom. The only down side is that my BF (dare I say that???) didn't come. He says his ride flaked on him but I couldnt help but be upset with him for a minute! Of course he'll never know that but I was! Then he turned around and wrote something sweet....really sweet on Facebook so everyone could see! Ugh! Sometimes I wanna break it off with him cus it can get so exhausting trying to get him to do anything and then there are times (alot of times) when I love being with him! I just wish he was move faster! He got upset with me a few days ago saying I'm always trying to psychoanalyze him, but it's because he has a real tough time talking about his feelings! I guess I should back off and Im trying! Mom is STILL not happy with the fact Im hanging with him and trying to make it work. She says she doesn't want me to cut it off with him but I seriously don't believe that. She be alot happier if I just didn't talk to him I bet. Im just trying to sort this all out in my head...I do love him and I wanna give him every chance in the world and he really hasn't done anything major since that fight for me to say "ya know..that's IT" And when he really drives me crazy...he turns around and does something really nice....IDK...Im still in the "Wait and see" mode. Its only been 3months almost 4...I did say 6months...soooo...Anyway I just know that I just can't turn it off quite yet! Im keeping my heart guarded for the most part (he don't know that) As far as praying about it...IIII dont know...I've tried but it seems like it's bouncing off the walls....I just don't believe that HE would allow someone like this in my life to give me a taste of what it could be like and then bam...all these problems pop up and I should drop him like a hot potato! I can't do it...at least not right now! I know he has great potential...if only it could be cracked...like I said...6months...6months...hopefully things would be progressing. They are sllllllloooowwwly, he is trying to talk more. And I can't make him be more spiritual either..heck IM not even there...so it's still "we'll see"

As far as the other news...surgery is this month...Apr 16th to be exact...not too thrilled bout that...only good thing is that I get a whole week off to recuperate! Dang I STILL have to tell my DAD and grandma...gotta call them like ASAP! Sometimes this life of mine is sooo exhausting...

Not over...Round two

2010-03-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

Well it wasn't as "over" as I thought. Turns out he really wants to be with me. Texted me the night after I wrote the last post, profoundly apologetic. Said he didn't realize how much he loved me until that point. He was feeling smothered and didn't know how to tell me and when I pressed him, he shut down. Still no excuse for how he treated me but he wants to change...sooo...gave him another chance. Why, you say? Because I do believe I love him too...I mean really love him. Now my mother does not agree with me because "he has alot of issues" and yes I know that too but how can I say no when he asked for another chance? I really wanna see if this is gonna work altho at times, I do admit I have my doubts. Some things we are sooo different in but he makes me feel so wanted and loved. This past Saturday, we went out...after two weeks of not seeing one another and it was nice. No details but it was nice...(even got flowers...so he IS trying) This Sunday and Next he is goin to church with me...so that's a step in the right direction. I'm not saying its set in stone that he's IT...but we'll see... More later...

In other news...guess who has to get her gallbladder out...Oh "yay" More stress I don't need...but it is what it is and gotta get it done...oh well...

Over and done with...Already

2010-02-28T11:18:00.000-08:00

**Sigh**Well just as quick as it begun it's over...As of yesterday...I am no longer in a relationship. We broke up yesterday. And trust me...It wasn't because I wanted to. He is all around sweet person but he has MAJOR issues, especially with communication. And i got a glimpse of how cold and callous he can be. I couldnt handle it. So now, Im single...AGAIN. It really sucks because I had a great time when him, he was so cool but the minute I wanted to talk deep with him, he got annoyed. And this time I really told him about it and he basically shut down...and dismissed me! Anyway, I told him if he wanted to talk to me he knows my number! I doubt seriously he's gonna ever call me again but hey, Its his LOSS. Sure I bawled like a baby, sure I feel like major CRAP right now but I will get over it! It was only 2 1/2 months that we were together so I WILL get OVER IT!!! Still I miss him...alot...

Other news, I guess is that a got a new phone! Its pretty tight too! I still trying to figure out all the features but its pretty tight! Anyway, that's all for now...Trying to keep my mind off of him...Ugh, this sucks...

New Year...ya I Know Im late!

2010-02-22T16:51:00.000-08:00

2010...what can I say...It has started off FANTASTIC! I haven't written on here since August of Last year and Soooo much has happened since then. For one thing..the church I'm at is Awesome. It's Free Chapel in Gainesville. The pastor is Jenztsen Franklin ( I know that spelled wrong) Good preaching, good fellowship (even tho the church is HUGE) Good everything! I even joined the Drama group! Went on 21-day fast....nearly killed me but I did learn alot. As far as my professional life ( if you wanna call it that) I just passed my year mark at the job Im currently at. Its okay but I am trying to get back into school..I found out its harder than I thought. You see, I wanna go back to be a cardiovascular tech but the only school that seems to have wants 35 grand...which I can just pull outta my butt!!! I know I can do loans but I don't wanna...ugh...wish I could win the lottery so I can go back to dang school...but I digress. Imma just have to find a way back somehow. The BIG news is that I now have a boyfriend...YES>>>ME..with a MAN...Its still hard to believe. We met on a dating site...welll actually he sent me a message and it was funny cus I NEVER check the site and I got a notification that I had a message so I decided to check it. We started texting back and forth and then met up on DEC 11th 2009 at perimeter mall....(date I will never forget) And the rest is history. He has a bit of a past but who hasnt and I am willing to go on with him. He treats me so good and I have never felt like this for any man. And that includes DD and DH! This man makes me feel sooo loved and he accepts me for me...clumsiness, loudness and all! I think this is it but we have to keep HIM first (yes he's a christian..wouldnt have it ANY other way) There are some things that need to be worked out first so there will be NO kinda rushing at all. Im just in a happy place right now and I hope to God that six, 12, 24 months from now...i'll still be posting the same thing...I just feel that NO matter what..we are gonna be together. So 2010 has started off better than I expected, and far beyond what I had imagined and I hope it just keeps getting better and better...

And the year goes on...

2009-08-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

Well August is here...don't know where June and July went.. I've had a pretty busy summer. For my Birthday went to Tampa to see my girl I hadn't seen in like ten years. It was great for the most part...we got into a little spat at the end but it worked out. Went BACK to Fla last month to stay at my aunties timeshare and hung out with another girlfriend who I hadnt seen in SIX years. In between that....well...lets say I broke a promise that I had been keeping and FeLT HORRIBLE for like two weeks...but I know Im forgiven and was reminded by a select few that Im human. I know now who I can count on to talk to. Stopped going to the singles ministry and now Im trying a new church which I like better. The ppl at the singles ministry...well the more I tried to be around them the more it seemed like I was trying to chase after them and Im NOT going thru THAT again. So back to day one...but it's all good. Join a dating site again out of sheer boredom and currently talking to someone who seems like a cool person...he's got a couple of issues to deal with (who doesnt) but seems like potential...we'll see what the future holds...Nothing much else...will update as it comes...2009...interesting year it's turning out to be...

May flowers??

2009-05-03T15:50:00.000-07:00

Well it's MAY already..where is 2009 going??? Bit of news...joined the singles ministry and like it alot. Was going to become a member of the church today but chickened out last minute (you have to walk up front in front of the whole church) Normally Im not scared of doing something like that but this is a big decision and I don't wanna be doing this just cuz I wanna join the dance ministry soooo....Im hesistant. Ill keep praying...Oh met a man this week off of craigslist and he seemed like everything I wanted in a Godly man...But something was missing...I don't know but after Biblestudy that nite (that's where we met up) I haven't heard from him since and I was a lil upset at first but now Im not cuz there was no spark, no nothing. Maybe he was a little too serious for me, I don't know but it felt like I was running my mouth the whole time. Still talking to DDP2 and it's all good but still in the back of my mind, I know we could never be together. This mornings convo was proof enough of that. Job still Okay...almost got another one but that fell through (long story) I gotta keep my head up...This month supposed to go to FLA to see my old bud for memorial day and I can NOT wait. We've known each other for like 20yrs and I have yet to hang out with him! And then in June for my bday supposed to go BACK to FLA to tampa to hang out with my Old girlfriends from High school. Just got back in touch with them through Facebook. I swear that Facebook is mad addicting!! Im on it right now as I type! But I have reconnected with ALOT of my old HS friends and youth group friends! FOUND KK too on there! That was a happy moment. Now we text back and forth. That site sucks you in and doesnt let go! Alot of people are on Twitter too but I like Facebook better. Neway...im starting to ramble...just an update....not a book!

Dilema...the sequel

2009-04-08T12:53:00.000-07:00

Love can blind a heart so much so that it can't define the line between what COULD be verses what IS. Take care to find out if what IS is what it SHOULD be....Love's dilema...MY dilema....

Dilema..OR not???

2009-04-07T13:43:00.000-07:00

So Im confused...well not really confused but just...I don't know..maybe just torn. What the heck am I talking about? Well, lets..there's this man, met thru a online site (NO not a dating site) Thought he was DD, wasnt (that's another story in itself, but I digress) dude has the same EXACT initals so I'll call him DDP2. ANYWAY because of the mistaken identity we started talking and BEEN talking over the phone ever since. He seems wonderful, except for a major fact that his religion is waaaaay different than mine. Its NOT fair. He seems really into me (and we've discussed this) but could it be just mere infatuation on both sides cus we have not met in person. Get this he's also in MI! What is my luck!!! Could it just be that I am just yearning for intimacy (not just sex,but hey I aint knockin that either) that Im attracted to him? Man, Im going kinda batty. I constantly have to keep myself in check about this man and he told me the same thing ( but can I really trust that anyway?) I mean the things he says to me is like WOW and I have to be calm..literally. I know part of it is because I haven't heard a man say anything REMOTELY like this in like what..hmmm..I can't even remember. It been FIVE years since I've had a man even touch me, so maybe it's just that. But it's still a dilema for me...why am so hung up on him! OH I've been good (for the most part...) I have talked to God but He is silent for the most part at this point. However, I learned my lesson with DD, and I havent spilled my guts about my whole self to him. My heart is still under lock and key but there is a crack....Anyway maybe it IS just a feeling....Well I'll have to see...stay tuned...

April showers...

2009-04-07T13:33:00.001-07:00

Well its April now and I am finally getting used to my job. It's only been two months but going from being a manager to a regular "pion" took some getting used to! I was used to setting my own schedule and doing things how I wanted, but NOW I have to listen to someone else. THAT took a little adjusting. Now its okay, I still have to learn the doctors personalities (altho, I already know one is a BIG baby, but I digress) but that will come in time. I even already have a favorite. My manager seems pretty cool, and we get along pretty good. I just want to get up to speed on what I have to do front office wise. Well enough bout work! In other news, went to a hair show this weekend with my cousin and LOVED it. Some of those styles were wild!!! I love it though...almost spend allll of my money! There's another one later this month and I most def am gonna go! And this time, Im bring at least 100 bucks! Got my computer set up finally altho Im typin this at work (manager dipped early today) Still going to the church that I like but havnt joined yet. I want to but I dont know what's holdin me back...well yeah I think I do. I don't really feel a part...I feel so disconnected but maybe in time it will be better. One good thing is that if I don't feel like getting dressed and going to service they stream it online, which what I did sunday. So that's about it, except for one more thing, but THAT's a separate blog...

Unexpected.....

2009-03-09T18:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes its nice to be reminded that people value your opinion and you're not just a slug on a log. MBR called me today and it was a surprise. I dont expect him to call much these days since I moved and for the most part, I'm "out of state, out of mind" but he called today and wanted to my opinion on something. It felt nice. Of course he would say it was just a medical question but the fact is he asked ME. That was nice. *SIGH* It's the little things that make me smile.....

Where did the time go already????

2009-03-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

Well its March already and I have blogged here for a minute. First off, I became a GA resident on the 16th of Jan. I rolled into the state at approx 6am and it was like 13 degrees! Talk about a "warm welcome" Since then, things have movin along albeit slowly. For one thing I have a JOB. Yes, yes I got a job working in a Cardiology office. It's huge, got like 15 Docs that work there and they have several offices that they work out of. I got into the office in ATL and it's pretty cool. I work 10hr days and for the most part it's pretty easy. Im drawing blood again which is good cuz i was outta practice. Annnyway, enough about that. Life is GA is pretty okay so far. We got snow on Sunday and it was funny to watch my lil cousin flip out over it. I pretty much hang over my cousin's house (her mother) every weekend. Nothing much else to do (as of yet). Im still trying to get my feet wet. I do attend a pretty nice church but for right now Im still trying to get settled. Nothing much else to say for now...

TO LOVE....

2009-01-05T16:17:00.001-08:00

I just would like to say that I wish people would not use the words "I LOVE YOU" so lightly. Those three words are very deep in meaning and should not be used if not meant. Loving someone is a CHOICE, NOT just a feeling for the moment. LOVE doesnt bounce when times get rough and there is pressure and you feel like you can't get out. AND NO...this is NOT for me...I'm GOOD..I just feel bad for someone else who's dealing with someone who doesnt understand those three very powerful words....

Countdown to freedom..

2008-12-29T15:35:00.000-08:00

Being that I have been mad busy and it has not STOPPED since August, I'll be brief. I'm moving to GA in less than two weeks and CAN NOT wait! I am soo done with California...albeit living here has taught me alot about myself. There will be a few things that I will miss..one being the weather, and a few (and i do mean a few) friends; I know I'm goin in the right direction. A new adventure, a new start...a new beginning.....so this is what freedom feels like....

till next year...

There and back again...

2008-08-22T01:40:00.000-07:00

So I get back to work on monday and all Hell broke loose and continue to break ALL week. Found out my super is leaving after 8yrs of being there. Got all the MD's in an uproar. They depend on her ALOT (too much if you ask me, but who's asking...) and now they have to find someone to replace her in like 3wks. NOT ME...at least not yet...I need just a little more (well more than a little) training. Speaking of which I will be going to VEGAS tomorrow for some of the aforementioned training. It's kinda of exciting. I will be at the Mandalay Bay Hotel which I've heard is off the chain. The training is only like 6hrs on Sat so I will basically have the whole day and most of the night to check out "Sin City" Of course I won't be doing any "sinning" myself but I do wanna check out the shark reef and walk up to the shops. I have never been the gambling type ( I don't like the odds..I always lose) and as far the clubs, I wouldn't go by myself. I think I got all the clubbing out of my system in my younger days. The idea of some sweaty man rubbing his stuff up against me is no longer appealing nor alluring. I went to the website and saw what the "cheap" rooms look like and I would be just as content staying in the room. So Im off again...the weekend should be fun...

WHEW!

2008-08-22T01:31:00.000-07:00

Well I am back in Cali...The vacay was FANTASTIC. Florida was MAD hot. My cousin's daughters were adorable. My uncle was annoying but I had a blast regardless. Hung out with SK ALLLL day.... was a good girl (for the most part..but Im not tellin..) I miss him already. Got back to GA and put in like 10 apps for jobs. Now comes the waiting. Took tons of pictures. Maybe I'll post some...maybe not...Two weeks went by way too fast.

Shake, rattle and ROLL........

2008-07-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

So like about an hour ago I felt my first (and hopefully last) earthquake. At WORK no less! I was busy just minding my own business folding letters when all of sudden I felt the floor shaking and then the BUILDING shaking. My first thought was "what the hell is this" and then it dawned on me... Im in California. Earthquakes. Oh Crap! It only lasted about 1 minute...seemed longer but still. The building was ROLLING back and forth for what seemed like an Hour. I know you are supposed to stand in the doorway but all I did was just STAND. ...Still. " Real smart" huh! The news says it was 5.4 on the richter scale so it was not that bad. Everyone here at work have been through earthquakes before so they were all laughing at me. I don't care...the office i'm in is on the 5th floor so it was doubly freaky for me. I will take a hurricane, tornado, tsunami over this ANY day. At least you can RUN away or seek shelter..How in God's name are you gonna seek shelter when the SHELTER is moving away from YOU...answer me that...but i digress. Anyway everyone here is okay but this just put the "nail in the coffin" so to speak about my decision to move!

Vacation---steady as she goes....

2008-07-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

Well the countdown has begun...I have three days left till i leave and I must say im pretty stoked. 2 whole weeks from this place. And I am going not to just have "fun" per se, I going with purpose. I gotta find a J. O. B.! It would sooo great if i could secure something while Im there but its in God's hands. So now Im just packing..(suitcase is half-packed as we speak) and trying to tie up some stuff before i leave. There is one thing that I am looking forward to...and that is me and S.K. are gonna meet up. I haven't seen this person in Like FOUR years so it will be nice. We are gonna meet up at the Resort I'm stayin and just chill the whole day. It will be good to be around some REAL friends for once. I am also trying to get at some of my other friends too but it may be a little hard being I only have a week there (in Fla) and then Im off to GA. But it's cool. I will still have a blast. My only dilemia now is finding a dang bathing suit. At the resort Im staying, they have a huge wave pool and I wanna try it. Now granted I can't swim a lick but the wave pool is like one big jacuzzi. I could handle that...I think. Neway, I still have to find the right bathing suit and I went to target yesterday to look. And i have one question..why in the heck do they NEVER have the right size bottom for the right size top! What do all the target managers think that everyone is a dern B-C cup! GRRRR! Cuz that's is all they had in the tops. I couldn't find my size NEWHERE!!! And some of those suits were mad cute. What do they only order bathing suits for woman who are less than a D? I found bottoms in my size (that, in itself was a miracle..but I digress) for the most part but when it came to try and matching the top...it was a NO GO at THIS station. Crap, Imma have to break down and go to Torrid ( a "blessed" woman's store). Oh well, the price i have to pay for er....beauty...

T-MINUS 9 DAYS AND COUNTING...

2008-07-21T16:35:00.000-07:00

Nine days until I go on Vacation to FLA and GA....CAN NOT wait. I need a breather.....The monotony of this place is getting to me...

The Last of the Mohicans....

2008-07-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

I am the Last one. There is no one left but me. I am by myself, no sense in fighting that fact anymore. Yes, yes...among my friends, peers and family...I will now be known as "the single one". I will also go by..."the fifth wheel" and "tag-along". I am doomed to hear "God has someone for you" and "He's out there and he's the perfect one for you" but I digess. My last single friend just found herself a man. I am happy for her, don't get me wrong. It just that it has dawned on me that I have been chosen for this challenge now. And trust me it's a challenge. But I'm up for the task. I am not upset about the fact that Im the last one either......God just has to work on him more (and me). And when it IS my time...watch out people, because there is a HUGE wedding with my name on it....

The smaller they are....

2008-07-01T12:52:00.000-07:00

Im sick. Im at work sick. Why does this happen to me every single month? Some months are worse than others. These are the times I wish I didnt have ovaries...well scratch that, an Ovary. And it sucks cuz there are no bennies when it comes to this. How could something so little inflict so much annoyance? I can brave 100 foot drops on coasters, going upside down and fast speeds, but this one little thing inside me can turn my whole world inside out...literally. I HATE being nauseated. I think it's worse than throwing up. At least when you do, the feelin goes away. I should have told that Doc to take it ALL but for the sake of Hormones I kept this bugger ( i know that's old school but ask me if i care right now) At least I would have something to look forward to but all I get is nauseated and tired. On the bright side...at least this will help my...ahem.."diet". Im too nauseated to eat much of anything. Ugh... Excuse me if Im grumpy today.

Birthday RECAP

2008-06-24T09:19:00.000-07:00

So now Im officially 35. I don't know what to think about that quite yet. I mean it's not old but i am "FIVE years from FORTY" as my friend so nicely put it. My birthday actually went pretty well, and it's keeping on. Sat I went to Six flags with my bro and it was pretty fun. Altho it was hotter than Satan's underwear that day we still had fun. I only got to ride like 3 rides because 1. it's summer and EVERYBODY AND their grandmother's there. 2. THE LINES WERE LIKE 5miles long 3. We were surrounded by hormonal, musty teenagers. I was looking at them and wondering if I acted half as stupid as that and the answer that comes to mind is a resounding YES. The hills were killer but i was pretty proud of myself that i wasn't huffing and puffing (thank you 24hr fitness) My calves however are not speaking to me at the moment but I don't care Im STILL going to Hip Hop class tomorrow. So yesterday on my actual birthday, I got off work early, pampered myself and then mom and my bro took me out to dinner. Today Im going to D&B with my gf and we will possibly go to Knots this weekend so it's pretty much turnin into a birthday WEEK. But hey, I don't mind. The people who counted in my life did wish me a happy birthday and that's all that matters. Well except for one person and he is currently still acting like he aint got any kind of sense that God gave him but Im still prayin for him. Oh I also got the Study Bible I've been wanting. All in all my 35th birthday went well and like I said is still going. And just think...this time NEXT year, I'll be celebrating in GEORGIA!

My DAD...

2008-06-16T11:55:00.001-07:00

Just wanna let everyone know my Dad had a mini-stroke last week but he's okay. It was kinda scary at first because he lives so far away (S.C.) but I got to talk with his doctor and she told me she expects a full recovery. I talked to him yesterday on FAther's Day and told him How Blessed he was that God allowed him to see this Father's Day. Maybe he is finally beginning to get the picture (he's the most hard-headed man on this side of Earth) that God aint playing games with him. I pray for him daily and I know that he'll be okay. So thanks everyone for your prayers(for those of you who did know) I appreciate it.

My Anniversary Month...

2008-06-06T23:38:00.000-07:00

What??!! June Already???!! Wow time is flying! So Im sitting yet AGAIN at the "boring" job and blogging on here. My birthday is this month too..Im kinda excited because my brother is takin me to SIX FLags!!! Yes, Yes I will be riding eveery roller coaster there, thank you very much! He invited some other people to come too (Agape refugees also...but i digress...) but I'm not sure if they are gonna go. I will be turning a whoppin 35 this year..sheesh! FIVE years from 40! I can't believe it. I REfuse to turn 35...let just say it's my 6th anniversary of my 29th birthday...yeah...that's it!

Logging off....

2008-05-24T19:36:00.000-07:00

So Im sitting here yet again at the hospital (why do i always write when Im here?) So its official...I am no longer going to be on ANY, I repeat, ANY of those dating websites...and yes that includes e-harmony. Why do I say this? Well maybe it's because of the latest "attempt" at getting to know someone thru these sites...the most current one called Blackchristianpeoplemeet.com ( i should have known better than to sign up on this one) They should of called it Blackplanet.com...the sequel, because that's all it is, only slightly less ghetto. I don't know what's with these sites...I mean the men that are on there are mostly liars (the women too for that matter) It's ridiculous. It's supposed to be a christian website but I have yet to meet ONE who truely is one. I get hits but the pics are downright hilarious...Well there was the Rick James look-alike and I thought Biggie was dead ( he had an Orange FUR COAT ON..what the heck???) But that's not what put the nail in the coffin for me.....I can deal with that...just don't answer those ones but it was the ones that seemed cool that I did answer. They turned out to be complete flakes. All they seemed to want is something sexual and yet proclaiming to be a man of God. Grrrrr.... This last one was making KISSING noises over the phone at me! YES kissing noises! And we only were chatting....how long?....Less than a WEEK!!! Eck! And every time we talked he would mention something pertaining to kissing or touching me! Double-Eck! I told him I didn't like that and he had the nerve to get mad! The other one, ( and it was only TWO...so that tells you something right there...can only find TWO on a christian dating site) just completely stop talking, and he was telling me that he KNEW I was the one for him...after a week of talking! WTH? Is it me or do all the men on these sites decide they "love" you within 2hrs of talking to you? And then when you tell that's too soon, they get all upset and then stop talking to you? Compared to these two...BIGGIE was looking tempting...but I digress. So I have banned myself off these sites...it seems like God is telling me to cool it and dating sites is NOT the avenue where I will find my ONE. Im not all broke up about it either...this will save me money. Altho this site was pretty cheap (which should have been ANOTHER sign) I still Completely deleted my profile. I must admit I still have an e-harmony page but Im no longer paying for it. The matches on there were weird too...it's just not for me and it's time I get that thru my thick skull. So from now on, Imma just coast on thru...maybe One of these days I'll actually MEET the one that will prove to me that they are NOT all the same.....

Monotony...

2008-05-16T21:17:00.000-07:00

So Im sitting here at work (the other job at the hosp..the boring one) and its only like 9:20 and I have like TEN hours to Go. Ughhh...In between textin my friends and listening to 80's music is the highlight of tonight. Oh and also the "joy" of having patients call every five minutes askin to use the bedpan! That's the extent of my life right now. Well actually I have NO life right about now....LOL. All I basically do is work and sleep. I don't go out..cuz i can't, unless I call off work.
My year at the Doctors office is in July so hopefully I will get a raise and then I can cut down the hours here at "hell on earth"...but I digress. I know there is an end to this...when I get to GA..I can NOT wait. Man this place becomes more and more less appealing day by day. One good thing is that I am Losing weight and it's starting to show.....to other people...not to me tho. I even had a patient ask me if I had lost weight! That made my day! So now im gonna try and start going at least 4days a week..as soon as i can change my schedule at the hosp. Working these Fri nites are killin me! I am sooooo bored right now! Anyway maybe i'll write more later...there's really nothing important right now!!!

Funk....

2008-05-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

I am in a Funk....

I am in a " I can't stand people" Funk.

Is that allowed?

So I lied.....

2008-05-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

Well April came and went and I did not write on here once...I stopped by but I just didnt feel like writing...For one thing this past month was busy yet AGAIN. We had to move yet AGAIN...too much drama and too much detail to go into here but let's just say we got out because of some shady business that was going on thats related to my former....er..."pastor". Shouldnt even HAVE that title, but I digress..Well now we live in a waaaay nicer place and I love it. My weight loss is SLLLLLLLLLLLLLlllooooooooooooooooowwwwwww but it's coming. Down 7 whole pounds so far. I swear it's easier to put on than to get off! It's so much fun to put on than to get off. I do like goin to the gym, i must admit. I feel really good after I am done so it's not too bad. In other "news" kinda had a falln out with a family member of mine but I know God is gonna work it out. We are basically not talking (not that I wanted to STOP) but maybe it's for the best right now. Im still sad about it but I guess they'll come around. Oh I talk to my cousin more often now tho, it's great, I CAN NOT wait to move to GA. I am sooo gonna be over her house like everyday just to bug her! And she's starting a new hair business and I am gonna be one of her customers! As far as my social life goes it's like non-existent right now. Talk to a few, well not a few...like TWO (heh,heh..pitiful, I know) online but aint nothing serious. And no it's not on e-harmony neither (altho im on that till like the middle of May) I swear E-harmony be matchin me up some weirdo's! I have like 72 matches and none of them are interesting. Maybe it's because it most of them are from CA and I want matches from outta state...welll like GEORGIA! LOL Oh well. Well that's the update for now...gotta do some charting...im supposed to be "working" HA!

Where did March go???

2008-03-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

All I can say is these two jobs are all but kickin my tail but there is a light at the end of this tunnel and it's in GA!!! Man I CAN NOt wait to get there! Besides the fact that my cousin is there, there will be more opportunities there. Thinkin bout going to nursing school too...hmmm.. Oh and I have joined 24hr...AGAIN..but I am determined to lose 20lbs (at least) this time. I am tired of being in the F.C.C...(fat cow club) but I digress! Not to mention the fact that I made a bet with SK that I would lose this weight! I am NOT gonna buy him a fossil watch...he'll owe ME a nice set of Earrings!!! I don't take lightly to losing NEthing especially to HIM! Well that's it for now...will try my best to write more in April!!!

Valentine Blog...

2008-02-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentines DAy...a day of love, a day of mushiness, a day I used to hate....well hate is a strong word.....dislike INTENSELY...but I digress. Anyway...I did get a surprise...a nice one....JD called me out of nowhere and wished me a Happy Valentines Day...It was nice. Of course with his timing (he's the KING of calling at the wrong time) and everything I couldnt talk long but it was nice to hear his voice. And I also got a V-day card from one of my patients, so that was sweet. Valentines Day was hard day for me...not to go into gory details and turn this into a "woe is me" blog but put it this way...I really did HATE this holiday...until recently...(NO, not till TODAY...) God has been showing me HIS love everyday and how you don't have to measure ur love in just one day. This day used to remind me of how lonely I was but now I see how blessed I am. Now don't get me wrong it would be nice to be with someone but its not like the end of all days if this holiday rolls around and Im not with anyone anymore. And God is such a great God, He knows what I want and He just gave me a Valentine present thru JD. It was as if HE was telling me that He knows how I feel and that HE hasn't forgotten me. SIGHHHHH...that's feels GREAT! Anyways Happy V-Day to everyone and dont forget...that Gods Gift of His Son is the greatest LOVE of them all (is that a song??????)...

IM NOT DESPERATE....

2008-02-11T11:32:00.000-08:00

What's with the comments about me sounding desperate??? I am not desperate!! All I was sayin is that men dont take the time to get to know me and just judge me from a couple of conversations....How am i sounding desperate??? See this is EXACTLY what I mean...I write something about how I feel and I get labeled as desperate...GRRR...I don't GET you men... If you're gonna call me that,at least let me know who you are instead of leaving "anonynomous" comments...

Venting..

2008-02-06T14:00:00.000-08:00

What is with the men of today????? Got an email from MOG today and now tells me he doesn't want to pursue me in that way??? I thought we were gonna get to know each other??? WHAAAA????? What the heck...it's like he's basically telling me that he doesn't even wanna get to know me anymore. THe "lets be friends" talk came back, which i know exactly what THAT means....."I don't wanna talk to you anymore and stop contacting me." I mean He seemed really cool but I dont know..Men are always flippin the script on me. I feel like I say two sentences about myself and POOOF they are gone! I can't even get them to WANNA get to know me. GRRRRR!!!! God, what the heck am I doing wrong?? Did I strike out on this one too or did i even get up to bat???? What's really goin on? ORRR maybe YOU were just showing me that there ARE men out there that really are Christian? I don't know...what I do know is this is getting tiring....coupled with the Clanging Im still hearing...my headache just turned into a migraine! Now I need Tylenol with CODEINE.....

Does this Man Exist...ANYWHERE????

2008-02-05T13:45:00.000-08:00

There's Something About a Christian Man -- Author Unknown (revised by ME!!)
(Originally titled Something About a Black Man...)

There's something about a Christian man's walk
the slight bow of his legs
the inviting bounce in his step
the confidence of his stride
the slight tremor of the ground as he passes by
that makes me want to...
follow him.

There's something about a Christians man's smile
at first shy, then spreading wide with the Love of CHRIST
the invitation it gives to his space
the sexy allure it adds to his face
the authenticity that makes it shine
that makes me want to smile ...
with him.

There's something about a Christian man's eyes
the light it gives in the night
the twinkle that preludes his smile
the wink that tells me, "You are mine, because I am HIS."
that makes me want to stare ...
at him.

There's something about a Christian man's words
at times demanding, other times so gentle
the knowledge that he shares in every syllable because his heart is so dedicated to GOD
the caress it can make me feel without him even touching me
that makes me want to listen ...
to him

There's something about a Christian man's arms
the softly rippling muscles exquisitely defined
the sensitivity that flows when he holds me because of his sensitivity to the Holy spirit
the strength it exudes when it's protection I seek.
that makes me want to ...
embrace him

There's something about a Christian man's heart
the tender center beneath a battle scarred barrier
the way I know Jesus Christ holds all of him together
the times it changed in order to survive and how it has leaned on THE FATHER
the way it melts when Jesus' love brings it alive
that makes me want to spend ...
eternity...
with him.

As the Bell tolls....

2008-02-05T12:19:00.000-08:00

I recently heard a sermon about letting things go and it truely hit home for me. When you get hit with hardships or when someone hurts you really bad, it's like a bell. You know, one of those bells that hang up in the steeple with long rope that you have to pull? A school bell or church bell. Well it's like that...in order for it to ring you have to pull on it and yank it real hard. Well that's what being hurt feels like.....being pulled and yanked on until the bell starts Clanging REally loud. It clangs and clangs as long as you keep pulling on that rope. Now if you LET GO, the clanging will still be there BUT eventually the clanging grows softer until it STOPS. I think that's what God is trying to show me...LeT GO of the ROpe and the clanging will eventually stop. The CLanging is REALLLY Loud right now but I know if I don't grab that rope again it will eventually stop.....GOD Help me because this is a REALLY BIG BELL (like Alexander Graham Bell Size) and the clanging aint getting softer yet and I'm starting to get a mad headache from the noise....I need an tylenol.....Lord ya got any???

A Blog about MOG......

2008-02-01T19:29:00.000-08:00

Just talked to him...... Made me laugh...not coming this Sunday...thinks it's too soon....kinda annoyed but see his point...... Really wanna be his friend.....hope it continues.... feels like strike one or maybe ball one, yeah BALL one......got 3 left.....don't scare him away......BE HIS FRIEND.....BE HIS FRIEND.......let him breathe.......(have a prob wid that)........GYH, girl, GYH....

My Happy Niece and Nephews....

2008-02-01T10:50:00.000-08:00

BUBBY (KELTON)

(wasnt allowed to
play with his

toy cuz i was a GIRL!)

MARISSA

TANK (Terry)

Christmas '07

2008-02-01T10:48:00.000-08:00

THE AFTER PIC

some Christmas pics...Sorry so late...

2008-02-01T10:23:00.001-08:00

THE BEFORE PIC........

New Year...New Beginnings....

2008-02-01T09:22:00.000-08:00

Well it's FEB already and I finally decided to write on here. Wheww!! January was a busy and interesting month....First off, I have left my church....for good. I was accused of something I didn't do, had nothing to do with and promptly hung up on. No details, but lets just say the Pastor needs to check his sources before he goes shooting off at the mouth..but I digress. Neways, I think it's a Good thing for right now because God has been able to show me that I can stand on my own two feet with just HIM. It's good. I have been studying my Word more and spending more time with HIM. I am still gonna try and find another church to go to for the time being because I will still be here for a bit (December Im outtie like the afro of Cali) I still need to hear the Word but I think I am at a good place...theres always room for improvement.....Which is why God decides to throw me a curve ball......

Yes, at least that's what I think it is, a dang curve ball or something, a test, what, I don't know. What the heck am I talkin about...well see, umm, how do I explain this...There's this man...well how can I say...he's seems to be Great. He contacted me online and we've been talkin. And all I can say is from what the conversations we've had and I have seen his page, he's like a diamond in the rough! He is seems very sincere and totally commited to Christ which is THE best thing in the world. I haven't met him yet but I think this man will try to make the effort. NOw why in THE world would God do this to me???? I mean HE knows, I wanna be with someone and HE also knows that IM MOVING! This guy JUST moved to Cali, has a couple of issues to deal with (who doesnt) but its just nice to be able to talk to a man and not be the one who always brings up God. HE wants to talk about Jesus, what He has done in his life, and he's been challenging me already. I know God is teaching me about balance and NOW patience, because in my own self, I would much rather "get the ball rolling" but I gotta hang back. We are gonna get to know each other as friends.....first, which I still have to figure out how to do. I usually just jump right on in without testing the water, forgetting that I can't swim and then I end up drowning the guy by trying to hold on to him! Oh dang......GOD, PLEASE give HIM patience to put up with ME! LOL. Its crazy why when I really decided to just focus on trying to get outta cali ,Boom, here this man comes.......I think it's more of a test to see how I handle this.......if God allows it, this may be a blessing in disguise. If anything I will have gained another friend. So I hope I hit this one out of the park! Geez, I've had enough practice striking out!! LOL

OH btw...CHRistmas at grandma's was pretty cool. Had a blast with my niece and nephews (i will post some pics) My grandma talked my ear off but I love talking to her, she makes me laugh so much. And she told she sees me as adult now so it gives more of an excuse to keep me till like 3am! Saw Dad too, He's getting better, he's back to work. Yeah, he had MAJOR surgery the latter part of NOV and I just found THAT out 3days before I was to go but God worked it out. It was amazing really. I know my Dad wants our family to be closer and He (God) basically had me just watch and listen to everything around while I was there. I am usually opening my mouth and chewing on my kneecaps but this time God kept me silent and said "Watch". And that's what I did and HE opened my eyes to ALot. I guess He was preparing for what has happened at the church.

SOOO this year is beginning quite interesting...and I am very curious to see how this all plays out....

Off to Grandma ma's

2007-12-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

Well I'm goin to Grandma's Christmas Eve and I must admit I'm kinda excited. I will also be seein my youngest bro and his family and I haven't seen them in like three years! I'll get to see my newest nephew too! I can't wait. I really miss my youngest bro...we had a bond and i'll be good to see him. His family too but I have a soft spot for him...well for both of them. Neways, I'm excited. I am NOT excited bout the plane ride...just hope I don't have screaming child on this one, but thank da Lawd for my IPod!!! Oh...HE called again this am...I'm loving it and yesterday too...Man I'm startin to really be interested in this man but like me and my friend says...GYH girl, GYH (pronounced gweeeh) Guard Your Heart. OOH Lawd, help me to GYH!!! Well, I'll holla when I get back because I am SURE Grandma is gonna talk my EAR off when I get there and I'll be too busy playn with my neice and nephews! Merry CHRISTmas and Happy New YEAR!!!!

I love ChristmasTime!!!

2007-12-17T11:36:00.000-08:00

Another lesson learned...

2007-12-17T10:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I am DONE with my Christmas shopping!!!! Now all I have to do is pack all that stuff and ship some of it!!! HA HA! Neway, I am sooo glad Im done cuz tryin to shop THIS week would be hell!!! I think i wanted to personally kill people with my own two bare hands yesterday. Waiting 5omillion hours for a parking space was "mounds o' fun" too. But I digress. In other news....God sure is still teaching me to rely on HIM cuz I learned yet again another reason why you don't spill your guts to someone who you THINK is your close friend. NO she didn't blab to anyone my business (cuz dem's cause for fighting...LOL) however she did judge me and consequently kicked me out of her wedding (0f course that's not the reason she told me i wasnt in it...of course not..)And to top it off she didnt even have the guts to tell me to my face that she didn't want me in her wedding, I had to text HER to get an answer. Needless to say it thoroughly P'O'd me off, not the fact that I'm not in the wedding, but that I had to find out through a dang text. What made it worse was she asked my BROTHER to be in the wedding! GRRRRRR! I thought I was her friend (close friend by her words) but I guess I don't meet up to her "standards of spiritually" anymore once I told her what I was struggling with. Goes to show you, you have to watch who you really "let it all hang out with" It's just Me and YOU God. I should have listened to YOU when I was talking to her that night. Something inside me was telling me to shut up (It was YOU) and I didn't listen...I have a problem with that...gotta work on it! OH and did i mention she had the nerve to ask me help with decorations and "lil" projects... what Im not good enough to stand up with you nemore but I can help with the decorations...NO thanks, I'll be too busy now...Well Im venting...just made me so mad. And No im not talkin to her about it cuz wouldn't make any dang bit of difference. God just told me to be quiet...AGAIN...Grrr! And I am not gonna let it spoil my mood..It's Christmas time.....just had to vent...Whew! Breathe...Breathe.....OK...IM good NOW......

A smack in the forehead...

2007-12-12T13:18:00.000-08:00

I must say December is becoming an interesting month. Got another call from my friend today and again it was a nice surprise. Well he told me he would call but i didn't believe him but he wont know that will he???? LOL Neways...the "blahs" are passing. Seems like I always wanna write a poem or something when I get the blahs....gotta work on writing when Im Happy and no blahs in sight! I know God is there for me and what snapped me out of my blah phase this time is Psalms 139...the whole chapter.. It was like God was tellin me...Duh, KENYA, HELLLLOOOO Im HERE..you just forgot....I (meaning GOD) GOT THIS NOT YOU! Sometimes I just need a big smack in the forehead. So guess that means I found my keys....HE had them all the time!

MIssing Keys...

2007-12-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

I lost my keys...

Not my car keys...

Not my house keys....

Not even my locker keys to the gym.....

These keys are even more precious and more valuable

I should have kept a better eye on them

Where are they...I haven't a clue

These Keys are priceless, HE knew..

I used them to lock up something and I shouldn't have so I REALLY need them

These keys actually belong to SOMEONE else.

So GOD, a little help here....

Because those keys are YOURS

and this is the hard part,

For those keys...

Were to my HEART...

It's CHRIMAS time!!!

2007-12-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

I can NOT believe christmas is like almost here! I am going to Grandma's and I get to see my new baby nephew! Im excited! The "blah's" are almost gone...geez...it happens every month...there must some relation too that somewhere....Neways, I am also happy because I just got a really good, surprise phone call and It totally made my day! This day is going purty well so far! I did do some of my christmas shopping on Sat with mom too so Im not too far behind. That's all for now....Im keeping on, keeping on...(wow, is that an OLD sayin or what!!!)

Im not supposed to...

2007-11-27T12:18:00.000-08:00

Im not suppose to Like you

Its too soon

Im not suppose to Like you

or think of you as a potential groom

Im not suppose to like you

you so far way

Im not suppose to like you

but these feelings wanna stay

HERE....in my HEART

and take root...

Shoot....I think I'm in trouble...

Guide me Lord, guard my Heart because

I suppose.....

I like you....

Sigghhhh

2007-11-27T12:16:00.000-08:00

I'm in one of the blah moods...ya know the kinda moods where you're not sad, you're not happy either...just BLAH.

2 days ago....

2007-11-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

Whatcha think???

Turkey DAy is upon ME...

2007-11-19T12:37:00.000-08:00

I can NOT believe Thanksgiving is THIS week! WOW....Time is racing by! Before you know it, it'll be a new year again! Just got back from Ensenada, Mexico on Friday and i must say it was pretty awesome ( that soounds sooooo dorky...but i digress). It was my first time out of the country althought we just drove right across the border but STILL its another COUNTRY!!! And the minute we crossed, I could feel a different spirit there. I dont know how to explain it but it was just different. That country is sooooo poor. I mean we passed "houses" made of cardboard right on the side of the road. And where we stayed was at one of friends houses...the house was really nice but in contrast there were like trailors and run-down houses right next to it. But the house sits right on the beach and it was beautiful in the morning. Yet when walk in the front, nothing but dirt and gravel...like I said...mad contrast. The people there are soo needy. The night we got there we went straight to a taco place (heaven help my stomach) I only ate the steak. But there was a kid there (11yrs old) the was not in school but WORKING to support his FAMILy. I mean that's crazy. We took him home (after givin him a backpack full of stuff) and it was like 10 miles away...Takes him 2HRS just to walk to the city!!! And he was so grateful that we gave him that stuff. The kids in the states would whine that they didn't get the right color PENCIL! So it was pretty good to see that. The next day we went to an orphanage and that's where I passed out homemade first aid kits (I made them...thank you very much) to the orphanage. There were about 85 kids there and they were soo grateful that we came. We put on a mini-show and then proceeded to dance with them. They actually knew the electric slide!!! I was trying my darndest to speak spanish to them but I guess getting that "A" in Spanish II back in HS meant NOTHING! I couldnt even remember how to say "look" in spanish I was so self-concious. (It's "meda" btw...) It was a good experience tho and I loved being with the kids. We gave them backpacks too so they were ecsatic. This just the first of many I will be doing and I am soo excited what God has in store for me. I do think I will be focusing on more doing some work within the States because there are just as many kids who need love and help here as well as in Mexico. Hopefully, God will send me out from there but i'm gonna start right here. Now I gotta just get to Georgia......

2007-10-26T16:08:00.000-07:00

Well October is almost over and I must say this month is my LEAST favorite month out the whole year. For some oddball reason, October is the month of screwups...Things tend to go wrong and people seem more grouchy than usual. I can NOT wait till October is over but I digress..Harvest at church is coming up and honestly, Im not that all excited about this year. Maybe it's because I think my season for being at my church is almost over. In fact, being here in Cali is almost over. God is moving me somewhere else...I did alot of growing here but now it's time to move on and OUT of Cali. Most of my family is on the East Coast and that's where really my heart is. So Georgia has begun to call my name...Now if I can just get the money together....

Wishing...

2007-10-11T13:15:00.000-07:00

I feel like CRAP today. Total CRaP. Crap on stick to be exact. My blood pressure's been out of whack the last couple of days and I still trying to get it back to normal (well normal for me)

*****BIG SIGH********

These are the days I wish I had someone to go home to.

Today I wish...

I wasn't single...

I had someone who could take care of me.

Someone to make me smile

Someone to Hold me

Someone to make me feel better

Someone whose lap I could lay in

Someone who would hold my hand and tell me I'm loved..

God I know You're there...but today...

I wish I wasn't alone...

Typical day at work....

2007-09-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

Sending Letter for Follow-up Appointment...........49cents

Showing up for Appt 1hr late......................100 dollars

Checking pacemaker....................................60dollars (with medicare!) 100dollars without

Schedualing next appointment with the patient and have his TEETH fall out his mouth midsentence................PRICELESS

GOD......I LOVE MY JOB

What!!! September already???

2007-09-20T14:27:00.001-07:00

Ok, Ok...where in the heezy did August go???? And the funny thing nothing much happened that month either, maybe that's why I didn't write. My new job is the bomb altho the pay could be slightly better but the stress level is almost non-existent. There's a few drama queens there but what job doesnt have that? Anyway I did get a new nephew last month (my bro will kill me if I don't mention it..he actually READS this) His name is Terry but we call him Tank because the boy weighed a whopping 9 LBS when he decided to grace us with his presence. He's so cute too and looks alot like my bro. I will be seeing all of them for christmas when I go see my grandma in SC. As far as the rest of August...nothing much else. Now we're in September, I swear this year is flying by. Well, we just had the women's retreat in Palm Springs and at first I wasn't gonna go because there was and still is some major drama going on the church. I'll just leave it at that, no need to go into it. Annnnyway, I was praying about going and wouldn't ya know it God gave me a praise dance and I showed it to the pastor's wife...Well guess who ended up doing it at the retreat??? I had my friend record it but Im too embarrassed to post it cuz I think I look silly but it was for God's glory so whatever. Alot of the women there said it touched their heart so that's what really counts. It was Crazy HOT there but the hotel we stayed was nice. I stayed with two of my close friends and we had a blast. Oh September was a purty busy month in that my other bro b-day was this month. For his Birthday me and mom took him to the Angel City Classic in LA. It is a football game plus the battle of the marching bands! We were also gonna go see the drumline competition but dang it...we were stuck in traffic for like an hour! But the band competition was awesome (i'll try to post that but aint makin no promises). I know one thing, I was glad to be around "my peeps" for once. I mean sometimes being the only chocolate chip in a sea of milk or cocoa can be trying! Im glad I wasn't the only one for once! Soooo September is becomin a pretty much busy month. This weekend is a baby shower for my one of my friends and NEXT weekend well be having another "purity rally" for the youth at church. Yeah, we're doing some type of "true love waits" series with the teens but we call it "whatcha waitn for" They really like it. We're gonna have a graduation and presentation of purity rings and everything. Lord knows what the following weekend will bring... I know October is right around the corner..that means Harvest at church and start saving to go to SC. Geessh...and beat goes on...

Summer....Summer....Summertime...

2007-07-19T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well Just got back from NY and all I can say that is was CRAZY HOT! The first three, no make that four days was sweltering! It was like a heatwave! I felt like I was melting! I think I sweated off like 10 pounds, it was so hot (in my dreams tho) Anyway I went to see my Godsis get married. Ah yes ANOTHER wedding. Yup she got married on 7/7/07. Seems like everyone got married on that day. I have pics and I will post some soon. The wedding was beautiful. She rented a ROLLS to drive away in and the reception was pretty cool too. Although I must say some of her "guests" must have thought this was club nite instead. I have never seen so much cleavage and hoohieness in my life! Me and mom were cracking up! I mean some of these chicks...what they were wearing.....put it this way....my godsis should have reserved more tables to accommadate all the boobs that were makin their appearance! And then the wedding planner (she was family) was evil!!! LOL I mean we walked into the reception hall and she made us all go BACK out to the foyer! There was no seat assignment but she wanted to make sure there were no freeloaders coming to the wedding (another one was goin on next door) so this thing did a head and name count. She was like the Gestapo! Other than that, it was cool. The DJ played pretty cool music ( except for that "Ima Flirt" song...of course EVERY LAST one of the hoochie crew sang that song...but I digress) And you know they played the electric slide...that's like a given at a wedding, especially at a black wedding! Ha ha! But all in all it was good.

The rest of my trip was great too. I got to see my uncle in Staten Island and I did alot of shopping. Me and mom stayed with my Aunt in Brooklyn and we visited my cuz and her new baby (whose name happens to BE Brooklyn) She is adorable. Sat was my mom's b-day so we took her to IHOP and it was ridiculously crowded there but we had a good time. Then we went to Downtown Brooklyn near my old neighborhood and shopped some more. Man I have never walked so much in my life. And I have decided to loose weight (yet again). And its all because of the walking. Let me explain without embarrassing myself too much.....

You see in NY, especially in Brooklyn or the city, you really don't need a car. You have the train, the bus or most commonly...your FEET. They drive like maniacs there (not much different than Cali but that's another subject) so you much rather walk. So that's what we did. My Aunt walks practically everywhere...to the hairstore, to Rite AId, to laundry...I mean EVERYWHERE. So I tagged along. I called her SpeedRacer because she walks so durn fast! Now my moms b-day was on Saturday and we went shopping..or course walking everywhere. Sidenote: New York is the greatest place to shop. Clothes. Shoes. Purses. EVERYTHING. Back to the story: I wore a skirt that day and some flip flops...really cute outfit..but Im getting off the subject... So we were out ALL day and by the time we got home it was like 4pm. My Aunt decided she wanted to get her hair retouched so off we went(just me and her, MOM was smart and stayed back) So we Walked to Flatbush Ave (bout 5blocks) to her hairdresser. While I waited I wanted to get some souviners ( thats spelled wrong, I know) I couldnt find exactly what I wanted to, so I walked 2 more blocks down to find what I wanted. To make a long story short, I walked up and down flatbush ave for like an hour. I did find what I was lookin for tho. Anyway by the time my Aunt was done with her hair and we got back (5 blocks back) It was like 10pm. Thats when I noticed my inner thighs were killing me, especially when I walked. Soooo I went into the bathroom...and saw....redness. Hmmm, we can all guess as to why there was redness...The word "Thunderthighs" instantaneously came to my mind. So now I have to go on Jenny Craig.

For the most part it was great. The plane ride back sucked because of a 2yr old who decided to test his lungs for the entire 5hr trip back. I almost wanted to get him some O2 because the kid screamed NON STOP. Thank God for my ipod!

AHHHH the joys of summer.......

Transformers.....

2007-07-03T01:12:00.000-07:00

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE....

NUFF SAID......

A connection...

2007-07-02T11:22:00.000-07:00

So what can I say about this weekend??? It was great!!! The sleepover with the girls was really good. We had about 7 of them over and we played games and had a little bible study and then watched a movie. (A Walk to Remember) It was a sappy chick flick of a movie that I can't stand watching but I sucked it up and watched it. It was good but I can't stand movies where you know the person is gonna die in the end...but I digress. Anyway the whole thing was good. The next day we went to the youth conference where they had this whole "Esther " theme for the girls. There were booths for them to go to to get their nails, hair and make-up done. The boys were outside having b-ball tournys and football tournys. They also had music and preaching in between all of this. The best part was the last service, the girls really got touched. I think they are beginning to really realize that HE is real. And I think I made a connection with some of the girls too. So it was really cool. I can't wait to see what God has in store for them (and me for that matter....)

Turning point....

2007-06-24T19:30:00.000-07:00

I think most of you who read this know without a doubt that I am a christian. I not only say it but I live (or at least try to) it. And God has been showing me soooo much. Things I need to deal with and things He wants me to do for Him. I don't know if I mentioned that I help out with the youth at my church (well I do) and this Sunday was awesome. My bro is the youth pastor and today's service was amazing. You see I have noticed a change in the youth since my bro has been challenging them to step up but the interesting part is that the change was within the boys not the girls. Its weird because it's usually the other way around. However, today, was different. My bro's message today was letting God hear you and You hearing from God. Kinda like getting the spiritual "wax" out of your ears. And it seems to be starting to sink in with the girls. I mean these girls are stubborn, not answering questions, just sitting there and not havin any opinion on anything. But when my bro open up the altar and we started praying for the kids, I noticed some of the girls starting to open up. I was led by the Lord to pray for one in particular to pray for and she just broke. I mean she really let go. I was glad that God could use me for that. Now this weekend we are supposed to be havin a "sleepover" for all the girls and me and my friend are really gonna put it to them (spiritually that is) Its time for those girls to step up and I think today was a turning point for them. Although I know that teens are as fickle as they come I think God is starting something in them. We'll see....

Birthday Adventures...

2007-06-24T19:12:00.000-07:00

So its now Sunday and my birthday is over... But I had a great time! Matter fact it was a purty darn good birthday! Friday we didn't get to go rollerskatin because of all the secular music that would have been playing and then I was thinkin...fri nite + secular music+ hormonal teenagers everywhere= ME being mad annoyed and wanting to send every last one of them to the moon. So to avoid that, we decided to go bowling...welll, that didn't work out too good. Because when we got there it was like SENIOR NITE. I mean I think I saw every old person in Anaheim there. Friday nite at the bowling alley is supposed to be hip and cool and have the lights off and music but when we walked in...jeez! Construction, NO music and OLD people. My friends and I took one look and made an about face. And between all of this, one of my friends that I had met online and been talkin with for like 3yrs was FINALLY gonna meet up with us. He was taking the train..(note to self: Amtrack sucks) and he was late (trains fault) So now we were heading off to El Toritos to get something to eat while we waited. To make a really long story short, we ended up at the Bloc (again), tried to get into Dave and Busters...couldn't, (one of my girls was only 20, gotta be 21 after 10pm) Then i found out we could have got in because she was with people over 21!!!! GRRRR! So we ended up walkn around the block. And to top it off, my friend STILL wasn't there...dumb amtrack! By now it was like 1100pm and the Bloc was closing, then he called..he was at the train station. Off we went to pick him up and we finally alll settled at Denny's and chilled, laughed and had a great time. I am supposed to hook up with him tomorrow for a movie because after that only Lord knows when I'll see him again. All in All it was a great birthday and oh, today my pastor and his wife took me out to eat too ( forgot about that) God is good and He's only getting better! Read my next blog!

Birthday plans...

2007-06-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

Well my birthday is on Saturday and I have the entire weekend off. I wish I had more mulah to chill with but it's cool. I know Im going rollerskatin with some friends on fri. but I don't know what the heck im doing the rest of the weekend. That should be fun...providing I don't break my neck trying to skate!!! Anyway I'll blog more later about it when it's all over...

Day Six and Seven....Hard lessons to Learn

2007-06-17T00:07:00.000-07:00

Well I am combining these last two days yet again because I have been under the weather for a couple of days.. Yet in those days I learned a painful lesson when it comes to worshipping without music. These past 7 days, give or take a 2 or 3, have shown me be a lot. And on Day six, it was like a recap of what I have been discovering. You know, everything happened that day demonstrate how to worship without music. Like worshiping when you don't feel like it...(that was at work where i wanted to roll some heads down a bowling alley and hit ALL seven pins) Or just talking about Him. I was discussing Him to an unsaved co-worker a couple hours later! And then on top of that I was sick ( headache from the pit of hell!) So day six was like "review" LOL God sure is funny.

But the biggest lesson was yet to come...

Day SEVEN...

Now this happened actually yesterday. Without going into major detail, I have a friend and I like to consider this person a really good friend. And this person said something that offended me and I didn't know how to tell this person how it made me feel. But MY FATHER prompted me to talk with them and I was planning on to but low and behold they called ME. Soooo I proceeded to tell them how I felt....IT Did NOT go over well at all. Needless to say, I am afraid we are not friends any longer. And it stings...alot. I will truly miss this person's company but I was being honest and the Word says when you have something against a fellow brother that you should go to him and that's what I did.

So why do I feel like crap???

I didn't do anything wrong, matter-fact I did what I was supposed to do according to the Word. Its only been ONE day and there was a function tonight for someone at a our church and that person was there. Talk about complete ICE...no hi, no hug, no nothing. It was like complete cut-off. And I felt terrible. However on the drive home, the Lord showed me something....He said "NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FELT IN THE GARDEN AND YET I STILL GAVE MY FATHER HIS WILL OVER MINE. " I almost drove the car off the road. I know I did right and yet I still felt like the one who was accused but my Father showed me different. I gave up my will in order to fulfill HIS. No matter what it cost me. Because in my own self it would have be mad ugly....There would have be a confrontation, some nasty words...maybe a fist....but I digress. Anyway, This hard lesson has showed me the true meaning of worshipping without music, and the bottom line is giving up your will for His...in every single area of your life. Its a hard lesson but I am still a willing student. So God...do a I get an "A" on this one??? LOL

Day Four and Five...

2007-06-12T15:39:00.000-07:00

Well I have to combined Day four and five because I was soooo tired last nite I could NOT get on here to write!! Well yesterday I worked alll day and the unit was really busy. It was kinda hard to really concentrate on worshipping God when you're trying to work. Especially when you're dealing with people who act like they can't do anything for themselves. But I think that's the point...putting God first even when you're mad busy. And to keep your mind on HIM even when you really wanna cuss! I had to check myself at some point! So that was challenging yesterday but it was pretty cool. I still set the example. Today I met with Jen and we talked about what God has for me. And like I said a couple days ago, worshipping God is also talking about Him and with Him. And that's what I did today with Jen. It was cool. I think that's what it all about..this worshipping without music. Always being mindful of Him and never keeping Him off your mind. That way you draw closer and closer to Him. These past 5 days,(well more than that) has been a learning experience and it doesnt stop there. I actually have two more days to go but it's gonna continue after that. I am more aware now. God is amazing!!!!!!!!!

Day Three..........

2007-06-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

Well today was Sunday and of course the worship with music was great. However it was the women's picnic and bbq afterward where worshippin my Father was great. We all had a good time and the fellowship was awesome. I think that's another part of worshipping the Father...having fellowship and spending time with other christians. You know the bible verse...forsake not the assembling of yourselves...and I don't think God just meant in church. We worship Him when we honor and obey the bible and that one verse we have a hard time obeying. In this society today, there's like an "isolation" idea going on. Its like stemming from the ME generation that started back when I was a teen. Many people, especially women stay to themselves and dont reach out or try to get to know others, particularly other women. Maybe its because of past hurts and gossip that could possibly happen but never the less we as christians should be above that. I, myself, have been guilty of this attitude also. However, today I really had a good time. I stepped outside of myself and fellowshipped with the women. I forgot all about what happened in the past and didn't think about if there would be "gossiping" going on (none of that happened btw...) We just had fun. We actually "played" jumprope! I think I was worshipping God just by being there and chillin with the women. I liked it...

Day Two...

2007-06-09T00:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, Okay I know I skipped like two days but last night I worked a double and all I did today was sleep half the day away. I know Im slightly touched in the head for working 24hrs straight but sista needed the money!!! LOL! Later tonight tho I did just chill with some of my girls at the Bloc. And we just basically had a good time together. You know its really kind of interesting to keep your mind on tryin to think about worshipping God without actually be in service but I think Im doing it. Like today when I was hangin out, we mainly talked about things of God and where He is taking each of us and how He is working in our lives. I think that's apart of worshipping Him. Our thoughts and prayers are always on Him or never far from Him. Being actually really conscious about it has heightened my sense of how I talk or act too. Even at work. What Im learning is the worshipping Him is an everyday act, and it should get to the point where it's not even so much of an "effort" or conscious thought. It should become automatic. So today was a good day. This worshippin without music is really cool....

Day One....

2007-06-06T12:02:00.000-07:00

Day one...hmmm..lets see. Worshiping my Father is pretty easy when you think about it. Today I did it all day...While I was painting, (yes, i was painting a door) I was meditating and thinking about Him. God is showing me alot these days and I am trying to receive it all. Its rough I tell you one thing tho! Last week I was in the ER with Hypertension...medical term term for high blood pressue. My boss made me go to the ER! Ugh it was annoying. I also have headaches which usually only last for 3days but lately I have been having a constant dull ache and a pressure. I think its just because I have been so busy or maybe the fact that i constantly forget to take my bp meds.....hmmm. I feel a little better although tonight i had a constant headache during church. However, i worshipped anyway. I think that's what it's all about...worshiping even when you feel like complete crap. That's part of worshipping without music because when you're sick and your head feels like it's in a visegrip and you still praise God anyway it becomes something sweeter. I mean after service I had a good talk with one of my friends and she said she noticed a change in me and that was cool. Well on to day two...

7 Days of Worship

2007-06-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

So I was at bible study last nite and we were talking about worshipping without music. Most people think that worshipping God is just going to church and singing a bunch of slow songs but its more than that. Worshipping encompasses alot more. Its not just singing some songs, it comes from the heart even when there is no music. Worship is when you don't even feel like singin but yet you still give HIM glory. You can worship in all different kinds of ways. So for the next 7days I will be recording what different ways I have worship my Father..without singing a single note.....

2007-06-01T16:27:00.000-07:00

Yeah!!!! Its JUNE! I can't believe it! My birthday is this month. Man, time is going so fast. I wanna do something for my birthday but I haven't a clue what. My friend is supposed to be taking me out but I don't know if we are. Anyway, this month is gonna be somewhat crazy...well not really but anyhow I can't wait to see what God has in store for me. I cant wait to start my new job, it's gonna be so challenging for me! Whoo-Hoo! I'll still be on as per diem at the hospital(dont' wanna burn that bridge just yet) so its cool. I don't start until after I come back from my lil godsister's wedding so it's all good. God is showin me so much about myself and that's cool too. Not discipling anymore but I think its for the best. Well that's about it for now.

New hair-do..now new job

2007-05-24T18:13:00.000-07:00

Well I gotta a new job! As of July 15th, I will be working in the Pacemaker clinic at Saddleback. No more working weekends!! And my holidays?....whoo hoo! O-F-F!!! I am so blessed! I can't wait. I am also going to NY in the beginning of July for my godsisters wedding. Yeah she's getting married too! Anyway just thought I post that little bit of news!

Forgotten Friend

2007-05-11T16:34:00.000-07:00

So Im sitting at work as I often am when Im blogging, and wondering about a friend of mine. Well at least I still consider this person MY friend. I wonder about this person alot and I pray for them often. I texted this person too but never receive an answer.

I wonder...

Has my number been lost...on purpose?

Sure this person might be busy, but I can't help to think I have become one of those "forgotten friends." You know the people that you meet and have a brief time with for convenience and then when it's done, you never hear from again. Hmmmm...seems like it. This person was someone who I had met and made a real impact on my life. I learned alot about myself and about them too. But somehow, I got "lost". It went from talkin everyday to talking NO day. All I wanted was to be a friend. I knew this person was facing challenges in recent months and I wish I could have been there. It's frustrating. I never wanted to be a "seasonal" friend and eventually to be forgotten. It hurts. But...I guess it's one of life's little glitches that I have to deal with.

***SIGH***

MBR.....All I can say is that I miss you.......alot.

Maybe one day you will miss me too...

NEW HAIR-DO.....

2007-05-11T15:06:00.000-07:00

what do you think???

I like it.......

Girls nite out..

2007-05-07T14:40:00.000-07:00

This past Sat was Cinco De Mayo. This really means nothing to me but I just thought I mention it. The fact of the matter is that there were a grip of people out that night! Funny thing is that I got my hair done that day and people were asking me if I got it done for Cinco De Mayo. I'm not even Mexican and look no where NEAR mexican. I think that day is just an excuse to party. Anyway, I called my girl up and we hadn't had (is that right english?) a nite out in a long time so we decided to go hang out. We ended up at the Bloc at a place called KOJI's. It was my first time there and it's a cool restaurant. It's kinda like a sushi bar and cookout place in one..in a club atmosphere. It was cool. The food was good too. The most interesting part was.....the waiter. Let's just say he was really easy on the eyes....REALLY EASY. My girl kept teasing me. Needless to say I did give him a compliment and he turned around and invited us to hang out with him and his boy! (He was no slouch either!) Needless to say I wanted to go...Needless to say We DID! Went to Huntingbeach and chilled with them for a while. Where, you say....hmm that's privileged info! Anyway it was coool. We had to bounce after about an hour anyway cuz I had to work the next day! I had fun. He called me to make sure I got home safe...sweet. He seems cool. I am definately going back to that restaurant!!! I had alot of fun..Nice girls nite!

What????!!! May already???

2007-05-04T23:55:00.000-07:00

Well it's MAY now..geez, times is flyin! April was another busy month! We are gettin settled in the house and Im decorating my room (with Mom's help of course) I am so excited. I bought a whole new comforter set and curtains and rug. Im still not finished but a sista's gotta be on a budget. School is cool too, not doing the respiratory thing though. Im doing Vet tech which is really my passion. Its at my own pace and I like it. Not too much drama in my life right now which is great. God is good. Im studying Romans, well RE-studying Romans! I think it's better the second time around...never really got thru the first time! Ha! Anyway,it's cool. God is really funny sometimes..Lately most of my close friends have been havin "man" problems and for some strange reason they are all coming to me about it. ME? ME? Are you sure u wanna talk t o me about MAN problems????? I don't even have a man!!! LOL And the interestin thing is that each situation is Totally different. Totally. I think God is trying to show what NOT to do in a relationship. And now that im not stressing about it anymore it's cool. I do have to admit that miss talkin to that "someone" but I talk to God alot more now that it's not my focus. I am just glad that He has allowed me to be in my friends lives so I can talk to them. Anyway, that's the update for now...Gotta blog more now that my time is coming back to me! What a crazy couple of months!!!

oh almost forgot!!! I DID send a postcard ( got up the nerve).....still haven't gotten a response...it's cool tho. Im not waiting for one...hee hee...

To write or not to write...

2007-04-06T00:07:00.000-07:00

Wow, april is here! And...drumroll please...I have finally Moved into the house! Yes yes, my stuff is in my room. Altho its small as all get out, Im there! Now all i have to move in is my mom and brother! But Im DONE! I have been slackin on here but dang March was busy! Life has been pretty interestin tho. For starters, I found the addy to my first love. Oh Yes. I was tinkerin on the net as I often do when Im bored out of my brain at work and decided to go on people search. I do that alot...I put my name in there just to see how much info they got on me. And sure enough when I put his name in there..BAM...name address AND phone number popped up. My heart skipped about 5beats! This man touched me in a way I can't describe but somehow my FATHER didnt allow it. (maybe because i was waaaay screwed up back then) Now the dilema is to whether get back in touch. Frankly im a chicken. I am scared of what I'm gonna find or not find. My mom just told me to send a postcard sayin "hi what's up" I don't know. Any suggestions would be great from blogworld. I mean, this man knew me, really KNEW me. He was the ONLY guy my mom ever really liked. Anyway, I'm just trippin that after all this time I finally got an address. I have always wondered about him.

Another thing...my Father has been workin on me too. Been going through discipleship classes and needless to say things have been broken off my life. He's been showing me so much lately. I have this desire for the youth now, especially the girls. The Lock-in we had about a week ago was great. The holy spirit moved on those kids like i haven't seen in a while.

My job...hmmm...that's another story. They cut our hours..for one thing but I think it's all in my Father's timin because I just interviewed for another job on Monday and I think I got it. It'll be workin in the field I graduated in and I get to get off at 5pm everyday and NO holidays OR weekends! I hope I get it! So now everybody is up to date. I know I dont get alot of readers (tho a comment or two would be nice) but I am glad I write.

Whew...my life is just beginning it seems....

what a month!

2007-03-26T10:39:00.000-07:00

Been reallly busy lately. Talk about MARCH MADNESS! Still haven't moved fully yet but it's gettin closer. Been workin lots of doubles lately but Im good. Car's still great and My Father is teaching me ALOT. Workin with the youth at the church. Had a LOCK-IN. Had not laughed that hard in a long time. I'll post pics as soon as i get some! Started school again. Not hard...YET. When im settled....I'll write more...

Sadness.........

2007-03-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

Just found out a close friend of my brother's was stabbed to death in Hollywood on Sat...Knew him well...loved him too...will miss him.

R.I.P. MIKE

Hope you found ur way back to God in your last moments...

5am popcorn.

2007-02-18T05:33:00.000-08:00

Its 530am and Im eating popcorn.

Why is the last hour and a half always drags on??? So to make the time go by, I stuff my face.
"Good" solution since Im tryin to lose weight. But this is not why I decided to write again before I get off and go home to my wonderful bed and go into a coma-like state of sleep.

so much to look forward to huh?

Anyway, this whole night has been uneventful, which is pretty good when you work in ICU. You don't really want "events" happening in ICU. You just want ur patients to get better as the meds and pumps and iv's work to heal they're ailing bodies. So with an uneventful night, it left me to think about things to avoid hitting my head on keyboard from lack of sleep.

Friends...that's what i thought about.

The ones that I truely cherish, the ones I still have, the ones I have lost and ones I want to get close to. In my short lifetime I have made lots of friends but there are some that I still keep and wanna keep close to my heart. And there are some I have lost that I wish I could regain. For the past 24hrs I have gone thru all the names that have crossed my path that have made a difference and an impact in my life whether good or bad.

And wish I could thank you.

for everything...

KAM-You believed in me and accepted me even when I was messed up. You were instrumental in helpin me begin on the path of coming back to Christ. I am forever grateful.

MO-I love you like a sister and thank you for showing me what a Real Friend is.

JAS- I pray for you constantly and hope one day you come back to Christ. Thank you for showing me that you can still be strong even in your weakest moments.

DH-You once showed me a glimpse of what true love can be and then you showed me heartache. Thanks to you, I now know the difference.

DW-You were the example of what NOT to do in a relationship. What to run from when you see it.

KK-There are so many times I wonder what you're doing. We were tight during Youth group days and I think of you often. You showed me loyality and how you're supposed to be a friend no matter what. Maybe one day we can renew the "pact" we had in high school. (I still have that little note we wrote each other "sealing the deal")

FC-Girl we STILL talk...you showed me friendship and love can go a long way and distance doesnt have to be a factor.

DD-I pray for you alot. Hope one day we can be friends again. I miss our many convo's and your laughter. I know God was dealing with your Heart and breaking it, Hope HE still is. You taught me that New beginnings can be hard but they are necessary for growth.

RY- You are one of the two that I've met online that I have remained friends with. Has it been 5 yrs goin on 6??? Even though you "deserted" me and ran off and got married and MOVED to foreign country! Yes we still talk online and I miss you very much. Thanks for always havin that ear to listen and lettin me see a that a man can cry and still be a man.

SK-Man we have been through so much together and we are STILL friends. You're 3,000 miles away and yet you were still thoughtful enough to send me a Valentine Day text. I pray for you and hope that you find salvation. Thanks for showin me that even though you can have everything, without God it's nothing. I pray one day that YOU learn that.

EP-I have only known you for a short time but I learned alot from you. Your frankness and honesty is breath of fresh air. I wanna know you more and I pray for you everyday. Thank you for being you and never waverin in your stance.

VS-The things we share and have shared are sacred and I treasure our friendship. Your compassion for people is so big and I am glad to call you friend...no SISTER.

JESUS CHRIST-You, by far are my best friend. YOU are constantly teaching me and showing me things about me and what You have in store for me. I love You with all my heart. Thank YOU for Your amazing grace and sacrifice for me.

So as my shift ends in 45min (thank the LORD) know that these words are coming from my heart and are deep rooted into my soul.

I love you all...

Just thinking thoughts....

2007-02-17T22:00:00.000-08:00

Hello, my name is Stupidity and I am working 24 hours STRAIGHT.

Yes , yes I am still at my job on the account I decided to say OKAY to working a double shift. 24hours..long time. Im cool now but i know around 3am my body will have officially stopped talking to me and I am gonna have to down like 10gallons of coffee and soda just to stay awake.

But I get paid mad overtime...hmmm...maybe I can brave this.

As I sit here at my desk wishing for my bed right now, I am thinking of this journey I talked about in my last blog. God sure is funny sometimes. The journey I thought I was about to take is not the one Im on. I mean this one is far better. I am learnin alot..about myself. I am actually excited about it. What better journey to be on than to be on one with God? Having Him teach you about yourself. The "hated" holiday just passed and I am learning that I don't have to hate it. Matter of Fact I am beginning to actually like it...yes even in this short amount of time. And its because of HIM. HE is teaching me to love and it is really..how do you say..off the chain! I can't wait to see what lies around the corner.

In other events, still haven't moved in the other house yet..and that's not only drivin me crazy but also my mom. She and my brother are goin to move in with me but we have to wait till the other people to get out. I have notion to rent them a truck and say "here ya go..handle it." But I digress. I know it'll all work out but dang...can a sista get a break?? LOL

Man I just realized I have been working for 15hrs straight now...only NINE hours to go!

2007-02-11T00:41:00.000-08:00

Life is becoming pretty interesting lately. I may be embarking on a journey that I never thought I'd take. All I can say is the God is funny sometimes. So here I go, headed into the unknown, guided by my Father.

My Enemy

2007-02-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

I just discovered who my enemy is..well besides the obvious one. IT lurks around every corner and tries to ambush me. And with the Hated Holiday coming up, It seems like it's bringing friends to fight with me. See, the last 4 days I have been sick, I mean really sick. The kind of "can't get out of bed cuz I have 101 fever sick" And It was right there, taunting me. BUT I know who is in my corner....my DAD. HE was there to help me fight It. I am not gonna let IT get the best of me although I want to give up sometimes. I know my Dad won't let me. Shoot, I won't LET ME. This is a battle that I have to win, without anyone's help except my Father. I am not gonna let IT win. I know who you are now and be afraid...be very afraid...

cherries...

2007-02-01T10:25:00.000-08:00

Who came up with the saying "Life is a bowl of cherries"? What the heck does that mean anyway? I don't even like cherries! The way my life is going right now is mixture of rotten and ripe ones. I'm just pickin out the rotten ones now. Maybe then it'll be sweet.

Only Fools....

2007-01-24T23:49:00.000-08:00

Only Fools follow gold

Only wise man know

I'm no fool

YOU'VE changed my point of view

To be kind is a quality

That I richly desire

It is better

To be poor

Than a lier

I no longer see

Things controlling me

YOU have spoken, I have listened

Only fools believe

In only what they see

Wise are rich indeed

Crystal Lewis

A night of revelation....

2007-01-21T03:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight was a great nite. I just came back (its 3:00am btw) from a gospel concert hosted by a choir that a friend of mine is in. The ministry was totally awesome and you could tell God was there. However that wasn't the great part. God showed me something AFTER everything was over. And it was through a friend of mine who went with me. I'll call her K. Now K and I are pretty good friends and lately we have to been hanging out. She was the one who invited me to this concert. We both know the person but she was the one who let me know that he was in the concert. Anyway, I was taking her home when we got to talking about the concert and him and how God is sooo awesome. Well she got to telling me how she is so in LOVE with God and the she is just content. And that's when it happened...right after she said that, I didn't hear too much of nothing else because GOD begain talking to ME. He actually asked me how could I want someone to Love me and receive me when i didn't Love or receive HIM. That blew me away...I got choked up about it. He was right...did I really love God the way i said I did? And to be honest, I had to answer no..and that stung. I never really realized that. I have to FALL IN LOVE with HIM. When you've fallen in with love someone..you know them, you are around them, you talk to them, you're with them...You KNOW them. I don't know my God like I should so how can I truely be in Love with Him. I gotta get to know Him, I gotta fall in love with Him. My life has got to change and the only way its gonna change is to truely Love God and Christ cuz my life does depend on it. I will never know real Love like the Love of my savior and I have to Love Him Like NO OTHER. I want to know HIS love even if its the only LOvE i will have. It shouldnt matter. His Love is the ONLY thing that matters. All of this came to me while me and K where sitting in the car. God has been trying to get this through to me and I wasnt paying attention but now I am. MBR would proud because I know God is using him to help me see too. But tonight it was just God and me. You're probably thinking then how was this a great nite? Well because I know now what's been goin on. I think all the stuff that has happened to me in the last month and half has led up to this revelation. I know my mission. Now what do next? Put what I'm saying into action. No more talking..tired of talking, it's time to get to work...and start falling in love with My one and only...Jesus Christ

Finally a light...

2007-01-19T11:54:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to be able to breathe again...

Just a thought...pt 2.

2007-01-16T10:35:00.000-08:00

Nobody panic about that last blog...its just a thought. Sometimes I do wanna just forget about hard this life is and go on to be with my Father in heaven. BUT I have no intentions of doing that. 1. Its very selfish 2. All that does is bring pain to those left behind. Now if my Father chooses to take me then I'm Not gonna argue! LOL Today is a little better than yesterday but it's still a struggle. Last night was tough and I did cry out to my Dad and I know I felt His presence. The tide is slow....REAL slow in ebbing but it's ebbing.

Just a thought......

2007-01-16T09:51:00.000-08:00

If I could leave this world without causing anyone pain..........I would.

Growing Pains....

2007-01-15T16:07:00.000-08:00

I wish you hadn't let go of my hand so quickly...

I wasn't ready...

I feel so lost...

But I have to be strong...

I know I'm growing, gets a lil easier everyday.

Yet still.....

I cant let you know Im hurting....

So with my Father's Help, I will bury the pain, push on through...

and one day...forget all about the feelings I have for you

and

Just

BE

Your

Friend..............from a distance

The ever-approaching Tsunami....

2007-01-15T15:32:00.000-08:00

What in the Hell is wrong with me today????
Something is REALLY bugging me and I can't for the life of me, figure out what.
This is like my 5th blog today! Maybe its a comglomerate of things.
I don't know. All I do know is that Im in PAIN.
Not just emotional pain...physical too.

EVERY DAMN THING HURTS.

Right down to my boobs! And it all rushing at me at an alarming rate. I need my Healer. What is REALLY goin on here? I wish I could talk to someone, well a part of me does, all i really want right now is to feel better. My emotions are soooo conniving! What I feel half the time is not what's reality, which in turn make it far, far worse. This month is kicking my iz-nazz!!! Today especially. I guess God is trying to knock me senseless cuz all my other resources are depleted. I depended on someone to help me thru this and now that's gone too. I feel like a phone bill that hasnt been paid...disconnected. Im just going thru the motions. I have GOT to get over this. This 20ft tidal wave is about to hit my shores and i need a dam! Just when i thought i was getting thru it...BAM! A cotton-pickin TSUNAMI is in the forecast. What a riot! Almost makes me laugh. But i guess God is teaching me that HE IS MY DAM. It still hurts like alll get out. Still I wish...oh nevermind...Jesus, I know with YOUR help I'll get through....(hopefully not too beat up)

Funny...

2007-01-15T11:29:00.000-08:00

Funny how....

You think you're over something and You're NOT

Funny how...

The heart deceives the mind....

Funny how...

I want to be everything to someone instead of nothing to no one...

Funny how....

Action speak louder than words and there STILL is no trust...

Funny how....

Hypocrisy can come in all forms, shapes and sizes but can still hide...

Funny how....

There is a such thing as being sincerely WRONG...

Funny how...

Talking it out can be a REALLY BAD thing......

Funny how....

Starting to Like someone is WAY EASIER than stopping.....

Funny how...

The more people understand YOU, the quicker they pull away....

Funny how....

Hmm...maybe its not so funny at all...